Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't believe its not butter!

   Now THAT's change I can believe in......

   Don't die a virgin. Terrorist are up there waiting for you...

   the next time terrorism happens because the image of Mohammed is shown, I swear everyone on Facebook should post that same image of Mohammed. Can't stop us all!

   The Los Angeles City Council has approved an increase in the minimum wage to 15 dollars an hour. In a related story, all L.A. McDonald’s are replacing their Dollar Menu with a TEN-Dollar Menu.

   Look, baby, it's just not going to work between us: You're a sheep and I'm a border collie. I'm so sorry. I never meant to herd you.

   Twinkle, twinkle little star, show me to the nearest bar, down the street and to the right, I'll be there...all damn night!!

   What did the black duck say to the white duck? What up quacker?

   A Jehova Witness tried to tell me a "Knock Knock" joke, but got all mad cause I didn't answer him.

   A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

   I can't wait for the next Women's March. Off a cliff...

   giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to ted kennedy

   Facebook is like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it.

   BREAKING: Tupac died again today when a member of his posse tripped over the extension cord.

   Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you!

   Religion - because thinking for yourself is hard.

   stomach making weird noises... must be making poop

   Hey, Starbucks...looks like your “Open Borders” policy kinda failed miserably after 2 day’s, huh?! Imagine that...

   If the left truly cared about women, they'd be speaking out against Weinstein....but nothing but crickets!

   The Olympics would be 10x more fun to watch if only midgets were allowed to compete.