Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Day 28: I am thankful for the fact that I do not have to see your 28 days of thankful posts for another year

   Happy Elastic Waistband Day

   I just picked out a Valentines Card from the Bill Cosby collection. It came with a roofy, two Advil for the day after, and a do-it-yourself police report........

   My cat probably thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream...

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me out of the club.

   Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you'd like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don't mind."

   I've started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.

   I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

   Relationship status: runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.

   Just ate a salad with a dinner fork. #ThugLife

   I wish I loved anything as much as my dogs loves the food I've been giving him every day, twice a day, for the last 13 years.

   Her: where have you been my whole life? Me: chillin on my couch

   Breaking news Roger Goodell has just given Aaron Hernandez a 2 game suspension.

   "Do you have a jelly fish sting?" "Do YOU have a jelly fish sting?" "Do YOU have a jelly fish sting" ~ R. Kelly at the beach.

   My weekend mood fluctuates between “better get the lawn mowed before it rains” and “Hurry up and rain so I can’t mow the lawn.”

   How to tell if your kid is doing drugs: Are your drugs missing?

   celebrated Michael Jackson's Anniversary by taking the kids to Toy R Us...he woulda liked that...

   Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children

   Happiness is spelled C-A-S-H

   Just because you don't approve of the way I live my life, it does not make me wrong, it only makes you judgemental.