Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would have brought sexy back but I lost the receipt

   according to the color of my pee, I had a great night last night!

   A "Duck Dynasty" musical is in the works. It's predicted to be very popular with fans of "Duck Dynasty" who also love musical theater. In other words, nobody. Actors who audition should be proficient in singing, dancing, and hiding their sexual orientatio

   "Girls night out" is the best way to say "No one wants to date me."

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends..... Seriously it's not rocket science people!

   [Average Salaries] U.S. Soldier: $54,000....U.S. Congressman: $174,000 (Not counting bonuses)....What's wrong with this picture?

   I wonder if that Casey Anthony chic is single?.... She's gotta be a Maniac in the bedroom!!.

   I went to an italian restaurant for lunch, but there was a fat girl at the door and I couldn't get PASTA

   Thinking about moving to New York and setting up a mobile bacon sandwich stand about a couple of blocks from Ground Zero.

   I'm dreaming of a 90 degree Christmas

   The girl on the stripper pole got mad because I gave her a monopoly dollar, well fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails gets fake dollars!

   So if TEBOWING is dropping to 1 knee, then I assume dropping to 2 knees would be considered SAMMING?

   Fun idea of the day: Don't have kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.....

   not addicted to cocaine, he just likes the way it smells.

   Remember, a doggie isn't just for Christmas... it's a f-kin good position all year round!

   Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

   When the Chinese teach their babies to eat with chopsticks,do they start them off with toothpicks?

   BREAKING NEWS: Hologram Tupac Shakur has been shot...

   when told the reason for daylight saving time, the old indian man said:- only a white man would believe you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of the blanket and have a longer blanket.

   ..a recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 men prefer big boobs. The 10th man just prefers the other 9 men.