Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   an apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough

   wondering why cameras have round lenses that take square pictures.

   I heard that if you sneak into the new twilight movie and blast justin bieber, the combination impregnates everyone.

   Next time the Court of Justice selects me for Jury Duty , I'll bring an Octopus ...

   Only on True Blood can you have a group of guys standing next to eachother buck naked, and have it not be gay.

   This has been idiot week. Thank you so much for participating!!

   I can only listen to you cybergripe about your problems for so long before I expect a pic of your boobs as payment for my services.

   your so vain you probably think this status is about you.

   needs 18 more Farmers Daughters.....but not in Farmville

   reading a book....yea I know I was shocked too

   was born cool, but global warming made me hot!

   wondering why unemployment didn't find it funny when I sent them a bill for overtime due to excessive hours of job searching on weekends, nights and holidays.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   wishes I was bipolar, so I would at least have an excuse.

   would like to see things your way, but unfortunately can't stick my head that far up my arse

   kudos to all your bra wearers out there:)

   Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

   found out that due to global warming, the oceans will rise 5 meters in 5 years.I have concluded that garry coleman will die

   its so cold outside I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets

   a master at mixed martial arts and crafts...