Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you constantly post pics of you and your partner kissing, I am going to give you all the privacy you need...by deleting your ass.

   Tell me you love me. Then get in the kitchen, make me a sandwich and let me play my video games so I know it's real

   I think I can hear myself getting fat.

   I saw a flying saucer today. It appeared out of nowhere followed right after by the flying cup that my girlfriend threw at me.

   every time I see a Buick, I look to see if it's Shaq, but it always some old white guy...

   Call me an optimist, but one day I hope to see changes in the Arab world. Like freedom of speech, democracy or someone smiling in public.

   The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don't feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   Who do atheists thank for Friday?

   my underwear is kinda half- assing it today

   Do the Chinese realize that when they visit this country, they buy souvenirs made in their country.

   Females will stop speakin to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same trifling ass dude a millions times.

   Ladies.. Yall had 7 months to get mentally prepared for Football Season. We dealt with yall Loser Wives shows all year!

   My husband picks fights with me like he doesn't even value half of all his assets.

   My facebook page is like a restaurant if you don't like what I am serving feel free to go somewhere else.

   Sometimes I feel like kicking you in the face....but then again WHY should I help improve your looks?

   I drink, therefore I am.

   an apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough

   wondering why cameras have round lenses that take square pictures.

   I heard that if you sneak into the new twilight movie and blast justin bieber, the combination impregnates everyone.

   Next time the Court of Justice selects me for Jury Duty , I'll bring an Octopus ...