Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Smith & Wesson - The first point-and-click interface?

   It's strap-on fat...and I can take it off anytime I want to!

   Irony: a fat guy at walmart getting his blood pressure checked with two big bags of doritos in his other hand:D

   Be rude to a bully and he'll beat you up, be rude to a geek and your computer will never forgive you.

   I suggest you don't wear orange in october if you're a little on the chunky side.

   internet is the only place where men are men, women are men, and 13 years old girls are FBI agents.

   wonders why hedgehogs don't just share the hedge...

   used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got her fired.

   spends 90% of his salary on booze and women... the rest I just waste

   Just read that Facebook has reached 500 million users. Congrats to everyone who helped create history's largest stalker.

   the reason why facebook created the "LIKE" Button

   Look up the word "idiot" in the dictionary and you know what you'll find? The definition of idiot, you idiot.

   I've just been fired from my job working on the Pakistani Flood's Crisis Hotline. Apparently telling callers to relax and "go with the flow" was not appropriate.

   I have found that the best stress reliever in life is not giving a crap.

   I'm a fruit loop in a world of cheerios.

   If a clown offers you a hamburger, and it's not Ronald McDonald, do not eat the hamburger. I learned that the hard way.

   I pay a lot of money to get that vanilla/coco butter smell in my car. I want hookers to feel welcome, not like they're stepping into a death trap.

   wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don't solve riddles that open portals to Hell

   I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to

   Its funny how the Simpsons have been around for 21 years and they haven't aged a bit.