Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I suggest you don't wear orange in october if you're a little on the chunky side.

   internet is the only place where men are men, women are men, and 13 years old girls are FBI agents.

   wonders why hedgehogs don't just share the hedge...

   used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got her fired.

   spends 90% of his salary on booze and women... the rest I just waste

   Just read that Facebook has reached 500 million users. Congrats to everyone who helped create history's largest stalker.

   the reason why facebook created the "LIKE" Button

   Look up the word "idiot" in the dictionary and you know what you'll find? The definition of idiot, you idiot.

   I've just been fired from my job working on the Pakistani Flood's Crisis Hotline. Apparently telling callers to relax and "go with the flow" was not appropriate.

   I have found that the best stress reliever in life is not giving a crap.

   I'm a fruit loop in a world of cheerios.

   If a clown offers you a hamburger, and it's not Ronald McDonald, do not eat the hamburger. I learned that the hard way.

   I pay a lot of money to get that vanilla/coco butter smell in my car. I want hookers to feel welcome, not like they're stepping into a death trap.

   wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don't solve riddles that open portals to Hell

   I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to

   Its funny how the Simpsons have been around for 21 years and they haven't aged a bit.

   Twenty shootings in Chicago over the weekend. Sure signs that nothing has changed in Chicago despite the pandemic.

   Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups.

   *Yawn* oh no… keep talking… I always YAWN when I'm interested….:)

   Was at Home Depot last night and I saw two Southwest Pilots looking for roofing material ....this can't be good!!