Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Out of everything Johnny Depp has been accused of, his wearing a crop top jersey in Nightmare on Elm Street has got to be the worst.

   Few things are more disconcerting than a damp hand towel.

   Just another Sunday morning that my family won't join me singing "Lord I was Born a Scramblin' Man" while I make their eggs.

   Never mix anxiety medication with alcohol unless you're absolutely certain you want it to work better.

   Recording production standards are at an all time high, while 90% of all music is listened to on smart phone speaker that's smaller than a dime, or earbuds which in most cases fall short of real sonic replication.

   Really want to go on House Hunters and just repeatedly ask, "how many ferret cages you reckon would fit in here?" in every room.

   Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions.

   What the next three generations will be called: 1) Post-millennials. 2) Generation Z. 3) Mutant crabs picking over irradiated debris.

   No, it isn't Maybelline. It's chocolate pudding.

   I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

   Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

   You search and search for that nostalgic early 90's reference and then finally whoomp there it is.

   I missed the MTV music awards! Who won best music video that MTV will never play?

   If I were a dwarf, I’d be Gassy.

   Ive been using the same tube of mascara for longer than Brock Turner was in jail.

   The worst thing about quitting drinking is that I no longer have anything to blame my inappropriate behavior on now.

   When my dog twitches his front paws in his sleep, I like to think he's dreaming of playing the bongos.

   In hindsight life was better when we could only take 12, 24 or 36 pictures at a time and we paid to print them. Even if doubles WERE free.

   The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it's because they're crazy.

   Sometimes I think I'm ready to teach meditation but other times someone honks at me and I scream death threats.