Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We can drink a drink, but we can’t food a food.

   My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

   Amazon Go let's you walk out of the store without stopping to pay?.. Winona Ryder, , you are a woman about 15 years ahead of your time

   Why go to all the holiday expense of visiting relatives in another state when you can stay at home and set yourself on fire for free?

   It always fascinates me when someone gets off a water ride angry because they got wet.

   *at a fancy restaurant.. . Ummm,, yes, what color wines do you have

   I don't care what you say. Arbor Day and Christmas are cousins.

   I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.

   YouTube: Domestically educating the public since 2005

   ..... The only thing deflated at this year's Superb owl was the Falcons.

   Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.

   My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs

   No matter how low I lower the bar of expectation, some people manage to roll right under it.

   Have you ever noticed that when a woman says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes." it's the same length of time as when a man says "I'll be home in 5 minutes?"

   They say that ignorance is bliss but I find it rather disturbing.

   Sushi's just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

   Fyi: Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back.

   Cinnamon is just sawdust with good PR.

   Broke up with my gingerbread girlfriend. She was nice, but she got too kneady.

   Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.