Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's no way EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting. You know there was at least one guy hiding in a corner thinking "Man, I don't want none of this."

   A vulture with two dead raccoons tried to board a plane. The flight attendant said "Sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed."

   They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food.

   Ever noticed that some english speaking tv stations has SAP in spanish for the latino viewers. But spanish speaking tv stations does not have SAP in english for the english speaking viewers.

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day....

   I didn't mean to gain weight...It was a snacident!

   Think I'm going to ride a cow to work tomorrow .. trigger sum folks

   I am addicted to buying old Beatles' albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help?

   My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that.

   Ugh!! My wife sent me to Walmart to get feminine products and I’ve been walking around for 45 mins...I’m starting to think Wal-Mart doesn’t sell mops....

   Parents with Antifa shirts should not worry about if their child gets laughed at about climate change

   Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake.

   I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

   Either I just stepped in dog sh*t or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

   Why haven't Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal

   interviewer: describe yourself in three words. frankenstein’s monster: a people person

   I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars.

   That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

   Went on a date last night and after it was over she said “Thank you for wearing a mask.” Honesty wasn’t sure how to take that. 😐

   opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve