Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sweating worse than Patrick Ewing

   Sandi Jackson just changed her facebook status to taking the kids to Grandpa Jesses house for a while

   Girls get so mad when you point out that their stupid friends are stupid.

   Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.

   ugh...so much for my iphone 4 neck tattoo.

   Jealousy is such a waste of passion.

   MiO is the best invention ever. I keep a red colored one on my desk now and no one bats an eye when I drink this vodka and cranberry at work anymore.

   If you play Justin Bieber backwards you get hidden messages from the devil himself to pull yourself together and listen to something else.

   " a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"

   I rated my wife's cooking on urbanspoon.. I sure hope she does not see it.

   It's not our fault you have a small d ick so don't take it out on us. Really, don't take it out.

   Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'

   The less you give a damn, the happier you will be...

   I have amazing will power to have avoided the gym for as long as I have...

   There’s nothing to fear but fear itself and any single woman who owns more than 2 cats.

   Sunday morning, somewhere a Pastor practices his sermon face then gives himself a quick wink in the mirror.

   Home is where the alcohol is.

   My navel ring is older than some of my Facebook Friends.

   Thanks to Facebook, everything that used to take a few seconds at work now takes me 4.5 days.

   I'm a pretty good person when you never get to know me.