Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Squirrels are just rats who blow dry their tails.

   I know alcohol is never the answer, but it's always my best guess

   the older you get, the better the binge...

   11.Tonight on ABC starting at 10: Fasten your seat belts as the dynamic Ryan Seacrest spends two hours telling us what time it is!

   Lol here come all the brand new Redskins fans

   No, I don't remember why I don't like you but what does that have to do with anything?

   At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. At the touch of beer, everyone becomes a superhero.

   can we all agree this fake moustache thing has gone on long enough??

   Just saw an ad that read: "Fluffer wanted for movie set". They must have a lot of pillows, huh? Well, I sent my resume in, wish me luck!

   New Orleans hasn't lost this much power since hurricane Katrina

   I'm gonna go ahead and call this one: lots of babies are going to be born on or around November 8th

   I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow..."Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"...."Sticks?" I replied.

   When you're an Olympic-size slut, every day is an opening ceremony.

   I just bought a television! It's amazing the price difference between a 47 inch T.V. and a 50 inch T.V. is a couple hundred dollars! In real life for an extra 3 inches I would pay thousands!!!

   One must respect the "every-other urinal" law. There are 10 open urinals, why would you want to pee right next to another dude?

   "The best things in life are me." - Narcissists.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that completely trusts you. In other words, naive.

   I'm so good at passwords that even I can't log into my stuff.

   The day is too short for all the mistakes I have to make.

   There's a word for people like you and that word is "leave."