Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if tennis ballboys brag about their "gets" to each other. "You see that? I grabbed the $hit out of that ball! School's in session, boys. I am lightning!"

   I've heard that the Eskimos have over 80 words to describe snow. Hell, they should get jobs in the Lipstick Color Naming Department at Revlon

   no retreat no surrender no compromise no going back

   you'll always be my hero. even though you've lost your mind

   People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.

   The hot nurse wants to take a blood sample. If I can get some back into my veins, I'll oblige her.

   was about to put on my white jeans then realized it's after Labour Day. Phew, what a fashion mistake that would have been. I put on my acid washed jeans and leg warmers instead.

   Hello Network Solutions, we have a problem.

   Thankful for Mr. Austin Nichols...... you taught me that some people have faith, some have a strong will, but I have your Wild Turkey to get me through.

   How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?

   Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil...and you'll never land a job working for a women's magazine.

   thinks that a perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children

   Maybe it's just me, but I think throwing rocks and feces at Tila Tequila officially renders you a member of the Sane Clown Posse.

   Putting the "i" in team since (insert your date of birth)

   So she "just wants to be friends." Cheer up! That's more than most people want to be with you.

   doesn't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better.

   If fire escapes were replaced with waterslides people would use them a lot more.

   wishes I were more outdoorsy. Unfortunately, there are bugs outside.

   a instant human.........just add coffee

   The Orioles have been so bad for so long that MLB is now requiring them to take performance enhancing drugs