Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please everyone..don't forget to let everyone know when you take a crap. Facebook wants us to know EVERYTHING about each other :/

   My life is not a failure. I am just compiling a comprehensive list of things that did not work as planned.

   to the ppl thinknig facebook is really charging...send your payments to: (my name), Po box...

   Caught a flounder in my crab trap....What a fluke.

   The only time it's cool to yell “I have diarrhea!” is when you're playing Scrabble.

   Nobody ever pays me in gum ( -_-)

   A friend of mine was wounded in combat. He sprained his ankle when he tripped over a table during a bar fight.

   I was working and suddenly I am on Facebook.

   I don't want to hear you complain that you can't afford basic cable when you play $20 a week on the Lotto.

   hanging up her spoon after a hard days s*it stiring.

   I think Weiner's next press conference should be in a Brett Favre jersey....

   The first thing on my to-do list is burning my to-do list.

   Sometimes feels like life is a big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.

   Dear Monday, Please don't be a snatch today. Please pass on the message to the rest of the week...Thanks

   I learn something new everyday. Yesterday I was wise. Today I'm wiser.

   BREAKING: Taco Bell to re-brand Itself as "64% Vegan"

   would eat more salads if they didn't taste like vegetables.

   just because the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, doesn't mean its not fake field turf.

   It's all funny till the zombies come isn't it?

   All my job prospects sounded a lot more exciting when I was seven.