Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

   my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

   My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger?

   Sure are a lot of gender reveals for their being no genders

   the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

   When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

   a sneaking suspicion that we've read this before. if you read them here 5 or 10 pages ago odds are we did too.

   Please everyone..don't forget to let everyone know when you take a crap. Facebook wants us to know EVERYTHING about each other :/

   My life is not a failure. I am just compiling a comprehensive list of things that did not work as planned.

   to the ppl thinknig facebook is really charging...send your payments to: (my name), Po box...

   Caught a flounder in my crab trap....What a fluke.

   The only time it's cool to yell “I have diarrhea!” is when you're playing Scrabble.

   Nobody ever pays me in gum ( -_-)

   A friend of mine was wounded in combat. He sprained his ankle when he tripped over a table during a bar fight.

   I was working and suddenly I am on Facebook.

   I don't want to hear you complain that you can't afford basic cable when you play $20 a week on the Lotto.

   hanging up her spoon after a hard days s*it stiring.

   I think Weiner's next press conference should be in a Brett Favre jersey....

   The first thing on my to-do list is burning my to-do list.

   Sometimes feels like life is a big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.