Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't call me if I texted you. Don't text me if I called you.

   I think its safe to say.. We all have that one co-worker that doesnt know when to STFU!

   my gastro-intestinal Dr. was named Joe...he looked pissed when he came in the room and I sang ..G.I Joe...

   Don't complain when I CAN'T go out those nights you want to but then you WON'T go out on the nights I'm able to!!

   My mood ring isn't a fashion statement. It is a court order!

   People who are buying Bieber please stop it's just encouraging him

   The phrase "fake news" is getting just as annoying as "wazzz-uuuuup"

   I'm out of bacon. This is my suicide note.

   If the start of a Basketball game is called a Tip-off, why isn’t the start of a Hockey game called a Puck-off?

   Why is lemonade made with artificial flavor, while furniture polish is made with real lemons?

   I have depression. A friend suggested I need to get out more so I went to the beach. Now I have a Tropical Depression.

   Got some good financial news today. The kid I've been sponsoring in some third-world country got eaten by a lion.

   As I walk through Walmart......all the sudden the election makes sense.

   But the Atlanta Falcons won the popular vote! How could this happen?! #NOTMYSUPERBOWL

   Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in

   Today is International Women's Day, It was supposed to be yesterday, but they couldn't get everything ready on time.

   I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

   So what caused GM to beg for a bailout 10 years ago. I am sure it wasnt bad management

   Like this status if you're the type of person who likes to carry all your groceries into your house in one trip, but then realize at the front door you have so many bags in your hands you can't get the keys out of pocket.

   Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now