Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm hot - Ah! - I'm hot - Ah! - I'm hot - Ah! -- Me, in front of my oscillating fan.

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex, so I dumped her.

   No, no, no. I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.

   I don't understand how awareness campaigns are helpful for things everyone in the world is already aware of.

   I'll always be here for you...Unless there's an angry mob after you. Then I've never seen you before in my life.

   You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

   I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.

   Don't call me if I texted you. Don't text me if I called you.

   I think its safe to say.. We all have that one co-worker that doesnt know when to STFU!

   my gastro-intestinal Dr. was named Joe...he looked pissed when he came in the room and I sang ..G.I Joe...

   Don't complain when I CAN'T go out those nights you want to but then you WON'T go out on the nights I'm able to!!

   My mood ring isn't a fashion statement. It is a court order!

   People who are buying Bieber please stop it's just encouraging him

   As I walk through Walmart......all the sudden the election makes sense.

   But the Atlanta Falcons won the popular vote! How could this happen?! #NOTMYSUPERBOWL

   Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in

   Today is International Women's Day, It was supposed to be yesterday, but they couldn't get everything ready on time.

   The phrase "fake news" is getting just as annoying as "wazzz-uuuuup"

   I'm out of bacon. This is my suicide note.

   If the start of a Basketball game is called a Tip-off, why isn’t the start of a Hockey game called a Puck-off?