Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: Tan cellulite looks better than pale cellulite.

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it kills them

   To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought "You know, I bet we could make some kind of hot drink out of these things!", I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH! :)

   I'm sick of the cold. I'm ready to complain about it being too hot.

   The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.

   i hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan...

   Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.

   I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.

   Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 

   If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead...

   Motivation= get on treadmill naked in front of mirror

   Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together again......in a much better place!!!

   May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray