Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "extra cheese" should be the average amount of cheese on everything.

   Things are looking up. I just made my own sandwich!

   If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we'll never know.

   there must have been a San Francisco fan at Buffalo Wild Wings who hit the lights button.

   Watching post Halloween walks of shame is the best.

   I went to the store today to stock up on bread, beer, and Captain Morgan just in case Hurricane Sandy decides to double back to NC..... Always good to be prepared...

   Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck

   It's like my dad always said,,,, "Don't call me Dad."

   Ready, Set, Weekend !

   The fact that there are a lot people in this world that are significantly more successful than me based solely on their hunt for Bigfoot is really sad.

   thinks it is always a good idea to know someone's giving-to-receiving ratio before dating them.

   Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn't answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.

   The first person that falls asleep at my parties doesn't get written on or their hand in warm water. They get the phone numbers of their girlfriend and ex-girlfriend switched in their cell phone.

   I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to

   Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house.

   If you don't have a watch,, The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

   I used to think Adam Sandler is funny, but then I turned 10.

   The "Other" mailbox folder is apparently facebook's version of "Local singles are waiting to meet you."

   Running into your therapist at the liquor store is therapeutic.

   Loosing a wife can be difficult, and in some cases impossible!