Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don't run. 
90% of my life is regrettably trying to get out of conversations I got myself into.
Foreplay was designed by woman to give us one last chance to decide if you're actually worth sleeping with.
I reek of alcohol and poor judgement according to the unknown DNA on the left side of my face.
I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant. I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.
My superpower is waking up more tired than before I slept.
If "it's what is on the inside that matters" then why do they sell so much make-up?
"extra cheese" should be the average amount of cheese on everything.
Things are looking up. I just made my own sandwich!
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we'll never know.
there must have been a San Francisco fan at Buffalo Wild Wings who hit the lights button.
Watching post Halloween walks of shame is the best.
I went to the store today to stock up on bread, beer, and Captain Morgan just in case Hurricane Sandy decides to double back to NC..... Always good to be prepared...
Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck
It's like my dad always said,,,, "Don't call me Dad."
Ready, Set, Weekend !
The fact that there are a lot people in this world that are significantly more successful than me based solely on their hunt for Bigfoot is really sad.
thinks it is always a good idea to know someone's giving-to-receiving ratio before dating them.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn't answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
The first person that falls asleep at my parties doesn't get written on or their hand in warm water. They get the phone numbers of their girlfriend and ex-girlfriend switched in their cell phone. 