Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funny how when a woman is drunk and walks in your door to have violent sex, it's all fun. But when I do the same thing, I'm being arrested?

   looking for a female that will go down on me as much as dish network does!

   I am 100 days sober today!!! well, not in a row but it still counts right?

   I Diet religiously.........I eat what I want, then Pray I don't gain any Weight

   An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance would be AWESOME!

   Anyone that eats 6 tacos instead of running will soon be running whether they like it or not.

   Taking relationship advice from people on Facebook is like asking a blind person for directions. If these people had perfect relationships, they wouldn’t even be on Facebook half the time.

   I have a stalker. She keeps showing up at my house unannounced. She's been doing this ever since we got married.

   i know I am ugly but can some girl just take one for the team and go out with me tonight?

   For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!

   5 years ago I met my wife, the love of my life and my baby momma. It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

   Fun idea: empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Freaks out snooping house guests.

   The balance of power in our relationship really shifted when he found out how much I enjoy sucking c ock :(

   I'm holding tryouts for my band tonight... So far it's Crackhead Tim on flute & Captain Potato salad whispering into a paper cup,,, so we're kind of just looking for dancers.

   If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie, we are all screwed.

   A real superpower is smiling during your hardest times.

   Gangsters in skinny jeans and tight tees? Where do they keep their guns, drug paraphernalia... and food stamps?

   Let's take our relationship to the next level: the breakup.

   I'm shocked Barbara Walters is retiring. I thought she was dead...

   Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they're just nodding and thinking about pancakes.