Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a stalker. She keeps showing up at my house unannounced. She's been doing this ever since we got married.

   i know I am ugly but can some girl just take one for the team and go out with me tonight?

   For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!

   5 years ago I met my wife, the love of my life and my baby momma. It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

   Fun idea: empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Freaks out snooping house guests.

   The balance of power in our relationship really shifted when he found out how much I enjoy sucking c ock :(

   I'm holding tryouts for my band tonight... So far it's Crackhead Tim on flute & Captain Potato salad whispering into a paper cup,,, so we're kind of just looking for dancers.

   If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie, we are all screwed.

   A real superpower is smiling during your hardest times.

   Gangsters in skinny jeans and tight tees? Where do they keep their guns, drug paraphernalia... and food stamps?

   Let's take our relationship to the next level: the breakup.

   I'm shocked Barbara Walters is retiring. I thought she was dead...

   Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they're just nodding and thinking about pancakes.

   Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.

   My bed isn't feeling well this morning...so I'm staying home to take care of it.

   Describing yourself as a "morning person" translates to me that you are a fu$king as$hole.

   "Where the streets have no name"...That,, my little ones, is probably why they still haven't found what they're looking for.

   Those picky people on house hunters..should be shot at the end of the show..!

   Reportedly, there are many trucking jobs that no one wants. Attn trucking Industry: make trucking more like the battle at the end of Mad Max II.

   Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.