Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm having such bad luck today, if I was in prison... Then today would of been the day I dropped the soap!

   BREAKING: Internet Blackout Forces Millions to Interact with Other People

   I could eat Gandhi's sandals right now I'm so effin hungry.

   I used some Special Shampoo to increase the volume of my Hair. Now it's so loud I can't hear myself think.

   The people doing it in pornos are in love, right?

   OMG! I just saw an albino Polar Bear...

   says I've heard that the hardest part of Rollerblading is telling your parents that you're gay.

   You give me one leather jacket, I invest it, then give you back TWO leather jackets!" - Fonzi Scheme

   Being at my job is just like being a stuntman...I get stabbed in the back, thrown under the bus and pushed over the edge daily. But without the hazzard pay.

   i still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!

   Home: the place I can poop for as long as I want to.

   We use cuss words so much nowadays they have lost their meaning and occasional glory.

   To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

   If your giving your all and your all isn't enough your giving it to the wrong person!!

   That Moment of Fame when your name is in a math problem.

   Girlfriend pressuring you to have a baby? Set the alarm on her phone to an infant screaming. If that doesn't changer her mind..DUMP HER!

   I think I'm a good judge of people...that's why I don't like none of 'em.

   The difference between men and women? women dont draw √aginas on each others foreheads after a night of drinking

   Never trust a rabbit or a duck,,, if you want to find out which hunting season it is.

   it me or does the pope look like a super villian?