Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saw a lady at Walmart wearing those "shape up" shoes. Thought to myself, "Honey....there ain't no shaping that thing up."

   The only thing some people can achieve on their own is dandruff.

   so excited! Theres only one more sleep til I'm awake again. Can't wait.

   Damn, my foot's asleep, now it's going to be up all night.

   We had social networking when we were kids too... I think it was called "outside" back then though.

   heard Osama wasn't hiding he kept trying to call the United States but kept getting foreigners and thought he had the wrong country....

   Dear Facebook, I am not interested to see who has been viewing my profile but I would be very much interested if you can develop a "Punch people who tag me in photos I am not even featured without my permission" Application.

   When I get multiple friend requests on MySpace, my pager goes crazy.

   I didn't even want sex out of the deal. I just wanted a nice sandwich.

   My GF's an adult film actress .She's going to be furious when she finds out!

   What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?............ The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

   I am available for parties. Not to do anything, I just like going to parties.

   Please don't walk a mile in my shoes. Your feet probably smell and I don't want smell in my shoes.

   I bet the bright side gets really sick of being looked at.

   If you didn't want to sit at the kids' table then you shouldn't have seen the new Twilight movie.

   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

   I'm watching Scarface because I'm gangsta. On VHS because I'm old school. At Wal-Mart because I'm homeless.

   ladies when a guy changes his status on facebook from single to in a relationship..say congratulations which hand is it this time? Right or Left

   I'll never be mature enough to hear the term “natural gas” and not giggle a little.

   Seen it, done it, can't remember most of it.