Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I get multiple friend requests on MySpace, my pager goes crazy.

   I didn't even want sex out of the deal. I just wanted a nice sandwich.

   My GF's an adult film actress .She's going to be furious when she finds out!

   What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?............ The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

   I am available for parties. Not to do anything, I just like going to parties.

   Please don't walk a mile in my shoes. Your feet probably smell and I don't want smell in my shoes.

   I bet the bright side gets really sick of being looked at.

   If you didn't want to sit at the kids' table then you shouldn't have seen the new Twilight movie.

   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

   I'm watching Scarface because I'm gangsta. On VHS because I'm old school. At Wal-Mart because I'm homeless.

   ladies when a guy changes his status on facebook from single to in a relationship..say congratulations which hand is it this time? Right or Left

   I'll never be mature enough to hear the term “natural gas” and not giggle a little.

   Seen it, done it, can't remember most of it.

   Full Disclosure: I stole all these words from the dictionary

   Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.

   One thing you will never hear me say, "Yes, that IS my Prius"

   Loud music is cheaper than a psychiatrist..

   Before sliced bread, the best invention was food that didn't run away when you tried to eat it.

   Revenge .....Naaaaa , I'm too lazy , I'm just going to sit here and let Karma Fvck you up

   Mini skirts don't work on maxi butts.