Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   decided to eat healthy tonight. I heard walnuts are healthy so I think I'll add them to my brownies.

   People think I'm God... anywhere I go, they say "Oh God! You've come again..."

   You must be a parking ticket... cause you got fine written all over you "Giggidi Giggidi Giggidi GOO" !

   Have you ever heard of the Legend of Hillary Rodham Hood? ..... She steals from everybody and keeps for herself.

   Nothing like a woman with a brilliant mind and a filthy mouth.

   Once a girl says your are like a brother to me, then you know you aint never hitting it.

   Nicolas Cage stars in the movie 'Stolen', in which he frantically searches for his missing daughter, who has been kidnapped. The producers originally had a different name for the film, but it was already Taken.

   As soon as the regular officials screw up a call, we will be booing them. I wish we paid am much attention to the presidential election as we did the nfl refs.

   I was just charged 8 dollars for a grilled cheese sandwich. I blew my rape whistle in the waiters face.

   Denver is going to be the mile "really" high city...

   Drunk people are the only honest ones left.

   when someone says you haven't aged a bit, they really mean you looked like s hit back then, too...

   Ladies; Just because he had an erection doesn't mean he's in love with you.

   or should I say when our we our we gonna protect our schools like we protect our banks and government offices

   I feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan, imagine how many Adobe updates she’ll have after rehab.

   Just when I thought I couldn't hate squirrels any more,,, one just ran past me wearing socks w/ sandals.

   I wouldn't be much of a trophy husband. I'd be more of a thanks-for-participating-ribbon husband.

   Ugh, the most annoying family just sat next to me on this plane. I live with them and now I have to sit with them for 5 hours?

   IF you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery… What kind of car would you buy 1st?

   If you use expressions such as: "My hubby ate four of the cupcakes I made...the little piggy!" Please delete from your friends list.