Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
just purchased one of those anti-bullying bracelets to show support, Okay, Fine I didn't buy it. I stole it from a short, fat, little Ginger kid 
New Florida tourism promo: "Need someone killed? Bring them to Orlando. Our jurors understand your predicament!"
Took my Beanie Baby collection to a Pawn Shop today. Really thought they'd be worth a lot more. Back in the safe they go.
Sometimes I feel like only Google understands what I'm trying to say...
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
When I give a new girl the tour of my place I like to open the basement door while whispering "thaaats where the maaaagic happens..."
I have an eating disorder. I'm eating DIS order of wings, DIS order of pizza, and DIS order of ice cream.
So I just Googled the Ten Commandments.... Wow, I am so screwed......
I found that my power went out briefly while I was sleeping, So I woke and my coffee was NOT ready and waiting for me. What an utterly horrible way to start the day. I had to wait five minutes, FIVE MINUTES! for my coffee. I feel like a caveman.
Just took a sh!t in an envelope and sent it to Nicolas Cage. I think it'll be his best script yet.
When dancing with my demons, should I lead or follow?
Hey Guys, never chase women. Chase your dreams and women will follow.
The first rule of Hangover Club is: SHHHH
You know that feeling when you lean back in your chair and almost fall over? I feel like that ALL the time.
I wonder if musicians ever feel stupid singing a song with a chorus that repeats 35 times, because I certainly feel stupid listening to it.
It's been scientifically proven that chocolate contains a shrinking ingredient. It shrinks your clothing!
Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work
PIMP Mode [On] - Off
is quiet, shy, sweet and innocent! Sorry I couldn't even TYPE that with a straight face! LOL
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. 