Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have an eating disorder. I'm eating DIS order of wings, DIS order of pizza, and DIS order of ice cream.

   So I just Googled the Ten Commandments.... Wow, I am so screwed......

   I found that my power went out briefly while I was sleeping, So I woke and my coffee was NOT ready and waiting for me. What an utterly horrible way to start the day. I had to wait five minutes, FIVE MINUTES! for my coffee. I feel like a caveman.

   Just took a sh!t in an envelope and sent it to Nicolas Cage. I think it'll be his best script yet.

   When dancing with my demons, should I lead or follow?

   Hey Guys, never chase women. Chase your dreams and women will follow.

   The first rule of Hangover Club is: SHHHH

   You know that feeling when you lean back in your chair and almost fall over? I feel like that ALL the time.

   The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

   going to party like it's 2012.

   I think Pringles originally intended to make tennis balls

   looking for a Facebook petition for Betty White to host the Adult Film Star Awards

   Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

   It's been scientifically proven that chocolate contains a shrinking ingredient. It shrinks your clothing!

   Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work

   PIMP Mode [On] - Off

   is quiet, shy, sweet and innocent! Sorry I couldn't even TYPE that with a straight face! LOL

   I wonder if musicians ever feel stupid singing a song with a chorus that repeats 35 times, because I certainly feel stupid listening to it.

   :-O<----[ Sideways bob

   just heard that Naomi Campbell walked into a library and asked for Blood Diamond. She was told "sorry dear, you're asking the wrong person, you need a Liberian!!