Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. ;) 
Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life? Well then by MY calculations,, I died in 1853
I asked the attendant for 5 bucks worth of gas, so he farted and gave me a receipt!!
The world is not full of a$$holes. BUT, they are strategically placed so that you are sure to bumb into at least one every day.
"I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.
There's no woman in the world more beautiful than the one lying next to you...............at that time :)
It's silly when people say that you shouldn't like them "because they might hurt you." Everyone is going to hurt you. Some people are just worth the risk.
R.I.P to everybody who didn't make it to Christmas this year.
If you are speaking sign language but one arm is shorter than the other, is that considered an accent?
before you judge me, please understand that I don't give a crap what you think.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you??
If you say "Pumpkin Spice Latte" 3 times in front of the mirror, a girl in a North Face jacket, yoga pants and Uggs will appear & tell you all her favorite things about fall, using the words "totally" and "like" nonstop
I went down on my girl for the first time ever today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters. Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth. So I went down on her again.
When one door closes you open it back up...That's how doors work.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
WAKE UP America!!! Are we going to let five UNELECTED dentists decide whether or not we choose Trident?
Why does the Avon lady walk funny. Her lipstick.
Any fool can be a Father, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy!!
Whizzing backwards on your office chair makes you look like a dynamic go-getter! But waddling forwards on it makes you look retarded :(
I'm on a jet, flying to Europe. "Would you like dinner?", the flight attendant asked. I go, "What are my choices?". She said, "Yes or no." 