Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What are three words a man doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"

   nothing worse than whacking the door frame with morning wood

   Growing up in New Orleans, Peyton Manning always dreamed he would throw the winning pass to help the Saints win the Super Bowl! Mission accomplished!

   Today's Quote "Not every flower can say love, but a rose does. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus does. Not every retard can read... but look at you go!

   When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad.

   Hey guys. Everybody. let's all give Santa a break this year.......Be naughty.

   My doctor recently took me off all my medications. It turns out I'm really an 82 year old man named Morris from Staten Island.

   got kicked out of bowling tonight for spiking the ball after I made a strike.

   Attention kids in high school: If you're b@#$%ing that Facebook is "becoming myspace".... it's because of you.... please stop b@#$%ing and use facebook for what it was made for... to lurk on other peoples photos

   ..and I would have gotten away with it, if it wasnt for those meddling policemen

   When someone tries to impress you, it means they're impressed by you.

   I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

   According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes... and women say the first thing they notice about men iss they're a bunch of liars.

   ‎*disclamer* no animals were harmed in the crafting of this status update. Stunt doubles were substituted and all theories were tested on a closed course.

   It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. ;)

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life? Well then by MY calculations,, I died in 1853

   I asked the attendant for 5 bucks worth of gas, so he farted and gave me a receipt!!

   The world is not full of a$$holes. BUT, they are strategically placed so that you are sure to bumb into at least one every day.

   "I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.

   There's no woman in the world more beautiful than the one lying next to you...............at that time :)