Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I like big butts and I cannot lie" - homeless guy digging in an ashtray

   I posted on Facebook I was no Gynagoligist,but i'll take a look. I got "17 people like this.And best of all 5 appointments !

   Just ONCE would I love to see a girl I know in a porno

   Boy: I wana fu*k you so hard right now. Girl:What?! Boy: Stupid autocorrect! Hey what you doin later? Girl: But, we're talking face to face.

   WoW. Think about that word. WoW backwards is WoW. And WoW upside down is MoM. And MoM upside down is dad's favorite thing

   "So this is how democracy dies, with thunderous applause..." - Star Wars Episode III

   Studies have finally discovered what is wrong with the male brain. On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the rightside, there is nothing left!

   After handing cashiers money, I like to caress their hand just to let them know all sales don't have to be final.

   WELCOME TO FACEBOOK - The place where people add you as a friend and walk past you in the street.....

   So you gonna take 15 minutes to text back huh? That's fine, I'll take 20...

   Put a woman in a car and she drives like she's the only one on the road and crashes into everything - Put her on the bumper cars at a theme park and she drives cautiously around the outside and avoids hitting anything.

   Do you know who says bros before hos'? Actors in sitcoms and the three dudes sitting together without dates at the bar.

   I went to the pub last night, had a shot and saw this really fat chick dancing on the table. I said to her "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so?" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

   What the heck is almond milk? Almonds don't even have tities!

   World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd go watch some of my single friends at the bar.

   have the comedians not woken up yet today or what? I can't post this crap

   I am strong because I have been weak, I am a lover because I am a fighter, I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am wise because I have been foolish & I can laugh because I have also known sadnes, I know my past yet I can see my future will be grea

   still confused after one of the presenters on Children in Need said, "pick up your phone and pledge". I'm still sitting here with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do next.

   Being in a relationship with someone who is always miserable with themselves can turn you into a miserable person as well.

   I just found a jar in the fridge, with expiry date 21/12/2012. I looked at it twice, and indeed, it was mayannaise!