Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So, the gov't is going to let us keep something we already bought? Mighty white of them...

   People dropout of school and get a job at McDonald's talking bout "on my grind" yeah okay, GRIND me up a Oreo McFlurry with yo dumb ass

   I would rather smack a piñata filled with diarrhea than go down on a Kardashian.

   Mayan Guy: Hey wanna beer? Other Mayan Guy: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.

   I don't think Lance Armstrong took steroids. He doesn't have the balls to do such a thing.

   It's always fun to mess with new neighbors. I told the new neighbor across from me "Well at least you made it longer than the last 2 tenants there. They both died there within 2 weeks."

   It’s so funny to wake up each day and see ppl in their 20s, 30s,40s, acting like two year olds. Go back to your safe place because there’s 6 more years to go

   Hillary Clinton could sacrifice a newborn baby on live tv and her supporters would say it was taken out of context

   When you're an Atheist, every Friday is good and nobody has to die.

   I read today that 99% of women don't like men in leather pants. That is convenient...because 99% of men in leather pants don't like women.

   so another day has come and gone and I still haven't used algebra

   So it's 12/12/12...not the date, but the IQ's of Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian & Paris Hilton! ツ

   R.I.P Lindsay Lohan... She didnt really but I'm practicing...

   Oprah sister is the new Pat; Pat is the new Stedman and Stedman is the new Tampon.

   Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.

   When her favorite song comes on she shakes the a$$ like a pro but can't ride a d*ck to save her life

   Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors anyway...the whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f**king have any

   Women need to relax and stop worrying so much about their bodies. Men aren't picky! Unless you're chubby or have a wrinkle or something.

   On a scale from Casey Anthony to Penn State, how much do you love children?

   I like to scare deaf people by yawning at them.