Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bad news guys with big d*cks. She'll just find something else to b*tch about...

   My electric car is in for service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.

   I ate pizza and drank beer last night. Apparently, too much pizza causes a really bad headache...

   If you want to be equal why would you need to be congratulated for being gay?

   @Jesus! We come here to find funny things to show our sense of humor, not to say we wrote them ourselves. You need a personality!

   I'm going to a Halloween party without a shirt, so when people ask what I'm supposed to be I can say a premature ejaculation... I just came in my pants.

   I don't get why women spend so much money on sunglasses...it would be way cheaper just tinting the kitchen window

   treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you.

   i haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

   The most confusing day in the ghetto is Fathers Day

   Some girls needs to stop freaking out about being called "dude". Just keep calm, it's basically a unisex term

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass

   I got kicked out the pool today,apperently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was

   I walk into the 7/11, and the female clerk says, "You look JUST like my fourth husband!" I said, "Really...you've been married four times?' She goes, "No. Three."

   Love 'em or hate 'em, you have to admit, Beyonce' and J-Lo never do anything half-assed.

   If you are a woman and you dont like or enjoy sex, please tell me right away before I invest my feelings and money in you. What I am really looking for is a proud nympho.

   For sale. One Afghan bed, no longer required as owner has gone to sea. Looks new but it has bin laid in.

   Happy "Steak and BJ Day". I'll take both well done.

   You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.