Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not doing the 'Black Friday' thing this year. Last year... it was so crowded... I walk out of Walmart with someone else's shoes on...

   SWAG = Secretly We Are Gay

   There was a homeless guy walking down my street.. I was gonna give him a few bucks but his sign said: "ONE DAY IT MIGHT BE YOU". I put the money back in my pocket just in case he's right.

   America hates your dumb a$$ and all of us here

   It’s an employee’s job to respect management but it's managements job to give them something to respect.

   Forgive them father for they are not civilized or educated.

   Bad news guys with big d*cks. She'll just find something else to b*tch about...

   My electric car is in for service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.

   I ate pizza and drank beer last night. Apparently, too much pizza causes a really bad headache...

   If you want to be equal why would you need to be congratulated for being gay?

   @Jesus! We come here to find funny things to show our sense of humor, not to say we wrote them ourselves. You need a personality!

   I'm going to a Halloween party without a shirt, so when people ask what I'm supposed to be I can say a premature ejaculation... I just came in my pants.

   I don't get why women spend so much money on sunglasses...it would be way cheaper just tinting the kitchen window

   treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you.

   i haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

   The most confusing day in the ghetto is Fathers Day

   Some girls needs to stop freaking out about being called "dude". Just keep calm, it's basically a unisex term

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass

   I got kicked out the pool today,apperently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was