Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... Don't do Crime .... Don't resist Arrest ..... Follow the Officers orders .... Won't get Shot!

   Watching Comey testify was like watching Geraldo Rivera busting into Capone's vault....lots of media hype for nothing!

   Mistakes are painful; but as time goes by, it becomes a collection of experiences called Lessons. Live life and embrace life lessons!

   I found 2 bananas and a cucumber in my new girlfriend's nightstand. I think she has an eating disorder.

   Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

   brought to you today by next door's unsecured wireless router

   I've often wondered, what do people in China call their good plates?

   On our Birthday! America as a Nation needs desperately to realize that if we do not again regain the lead in Technology and Education, we will continue to bury our heads in the sands of Afghanistan, Iraq, and Pakistan!!!

   Do you ever take a couple of ibuprofen just in case?

   What if when we die the light we see at the end of the tunnel is just us being pushed out of another V@gina!!!

   There are two types of people in this world: People who like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups...and complete and utter monsters.

   just dumped!! Anyone want some sloppy seconds??

   When you're happy, you enjoy the music. But when you're sad, you understand the lyrics

   Why is it whenever I open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?

   I'm not doing the 'Black Friday' thing this year. Last year... it was so crowded... I walk out of Walmart with someone else's shoes on...

   SWAG = Secretly We Are Gay

   There was a homeless guy walking down my street.. I was gonna give him a few bucks but his sign said: "ONE DAY IT MIGHT BE YOU". I put the money back in my pocket just in case he's right.

   America hates your dumb a$$ and all of us here

   It’s an employee’s job to respect management but it's managements job to give them something to respect.

   Forgive them father for they are not civilized or educated.