Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Whenever I see the phrase "unforeseen circumstances", my brain ALWAYS reads "unforeskinned circumcision" instead. Just for that split second. I don't know why, it just does. 
Having kids is like a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next." "No, you can't really fly - next."
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
To ALL Hillary supporters: You 3 should be ashamed of yourselves
Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.
Everytime this post gets liked a Jihadist gets killed.
.... Don't do Crime .... Don't resist Arrest ..... Follow the Officers orders .... Won't get Shot!
Watching Comey testify was like watching Geraldo Rivera busting into Capone's vault....lots of media hype for nothing!
Mistakes are painful; but as time goes by, it becomes a collection of experiences called Lessons. Live life and embrace life lessons!
I found 2 bananas and a cucumber in my new girlfriend's nightstand. I think she has an eating disorder.
Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?
brought to you today by next door's unsecured wireless router
I've often wondered, what do people in China call their good plates?
On our Birthday! America as a Nation needs desperately to realize that if we do not again regain the lead in Technology and Education, we will continue to bury our heads in the sands of Afghanistan, Iraq, and Pakistan!!!
Do you ever take a couple of ibuprofen just in case?
What if when we die the light we see at the end of the tunnel is just us being pushed out of another V@gina!!!
There are two types of people in this world: People who like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups...and complete and utter monsters.
just dumped!! Anyone want some sloppy seconds??
When you're happy, you enjoy the music. But when you're sad, you understand the lyrics
Why is it whenever I open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there? 