Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend says my jokes don't make any sense and the punchlines are too obscure. Which is quite funny really when you consider his uncle used to grow his own onions.

   I just gave my cat a bath, she actually enjoyed it. it wasn't fun for me though, the fur kept sticking to my tongue

   We usually dislike people who cheat, lie, or rip us off. So why do we knowingly vote for them to manage our country?

   Man said, "Lord... Why did ya make women so dang pretty?" The Lord replied, "So you would like them." Then the man said, "Lord, then why did you make them so dang dumb?" The Lord replied, "So they would like you too."

   not saying that girl I was dancing with at the club was a skank,...but some Febreze and Jesus wouldn't hurt that girl at all!

   If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I think it's necessary to put you there

   I'm tired of wasting time on people who won't waste any time on me.

   I'd really like to find the person that named the sensitive part of your elbow the "Funny Bone" and punch them in the face. See how funny they think that is.

   Kanye West leaned back in his chair, stroking his Persian cat. His scheme to become the biggest douche in the world was coming to fruition.

   i hate people who take drugs, customs and police for example

   I wish my car was more like KITT. Not for the crimefighting abilities, mind you, I'm just really lazy.

   Researchers have indicated that one anonymous sperm donor has fathered over 1200 children in the past 20 years...Unfortunately for him, he had to retire after he blew out his elbow! ツ

   In grade school I dreamed of having a supersized tree house and a flyable jetpack. now that I'm grown up all I want is 2 dancing Hamsters from the Kia Soul Commercial.

   Dear Facebook, I can't believe you still haven't gotten that dislike button. Sincerely, YouTube.

   Whenever I see the phrase "unforeseen circumstances", my brain ALWAYS reads "unforeskinned circumcision" instead. Just for that split second. I don't know why, it just does.

   Having kids is like a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next." "No, you can't really fly - next."

   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

   To ALL Hillary supporters: You 3 should be ashamed of yourselves

   Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.

   Everytime this post gets liked a Jihadist gets killed.