Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   trying to explain the urine on the ceiling.

   thinks its cool for a guy to have sex with his female teacher. Unless he's home schooled.

   "Ohhhh Shanaynay! That Hoe Just Called You Ghetto!" "Aww Hell Naw! Hold my food stamps!"

   Mr. President, please remove your hand from my pocket; I can stimulate myself.

   This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in one month. It happens only once every 823 years.

   Ugly girls....stop taking pics and posting it like you're cute.

   Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985

   Rip to the driver that died with Paul Walker that no once cares about because he wasn't famous,

   Memo to New Orleans: You can't turn the Superdome into a sewer this time., emergency shelter will be at the black crack neighbors house!

   Moms have "mothers day" Dads have "Fathers day" Lovers have "Valentines day" what do single men have?...Palm Sunday

   This is something that happened to me, and a lot of people think I'm crazy and I'm making it up or whatever, but six months ago, I was abducted by aliens. They beat the crap out of me. I couldn't get away -- I don't speak Spanish

   Last night I tried to go out for an Italian meal, but there was a large, fat lady standing in the doorway. I couldn't get pasta.

   baby showers are ridiculas you have un protected sex and now I gota buy you a gift? Ive been having unprotected sex for years all I ever got was hurt feelings

   pretty sure that mother nature has been taken over by an evil step-mother!!!

   needs a divorce from you, Facebook. You're no good for me.

   As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your kids and pets. To turn this option off, go to Settings, then Privacy, then Meals. Click the top button to not feed the employees of Facebook. Copy this to your status to warn your friends!

   Cross-eyed teacher's can't control their pupils

   The kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they are when it comes to porn. They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds. When I was a kid, I used to have a wank when I typed the digits 5318008 into a calculator.

   I love the point when you are finished with a transaction over the phone & you get to pretend that you are writing down the reference number.

   When somebody flips you off, just stick up your whole hand and say, meet the family.