Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   u know you have drank to much vodka when you start speaking russian...

   Put Party Rock Anthem as my Alarm so I wake up shufflin..

   refuses to see a doctor whose office plants have died.

   Just killed a spider for stepping on my shoes.........#ThugLife

   Leaving Facebook for Twitter is like leaving the bar to go home.

   trying to explain the urine on the ceiling.

   thinks its cool for a guy to have sex with his female teacher. Unless he's home schooled.

   "Ohhhh Shanaynay! That Hoe Just Called You Ghetto!" "Aww Hell Naw! Hold my food stamps!"

   Mr. President, please remove your hand from my pocket; I can stimulate myself.

   This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in one month. It happens only once every 823 years.

   Ugly girls....stop taking pics and posting it like you're cute.

   me+alcohol+nintendo64=profanity out the ass

   Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985

   Rip to the driver that died with Paul Walker that no once cares about because he wasn't famous,

   Memo to New Orleans: You can't turn the Superdome into a sewer this time., emergency shelter will be at the black crack neighbors house!

   Moms have "mothers day" Dads have "Fathers day" Lovers have "Valentines day" what do single men have?...Palm Sunday

   This is something that happened to me, and a lot of people think I'm crazy and I'm making it up or whatever, but six months ago, I was abducted by aliens. They beat the crap out of me. I couldn't get away -- I don't speak Spanish

   Last night I tried to go out for an Italian meal, but there was a large, fat lady standing in the doorway. I couldn't get pasta.

   baby showers are ridiculas you have un protected sex and now I gota buy you a gift? Ive been having unprotected sex for years all I ever got was hurt feelings

   pretty sure that mother nature has been taken over by an evil step-mother!!!