Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doctor: Sir, you will have to stop masterbating. Me: Why?? Dr: Because I'm trying to take your blood pressure.

   To all the people who failed out of school, just remember 2 things: 1. You tried your best! 2. I said no tomatoes on my burger, b1tch!

   Yo momma so fat, your family tree leans on one side!

   Why am I single? Oh, because I like to have guilt free casual sex with a variety of women.

   at Ground Zero instead of a mosque they should construct a couple of tall buildings for global trade and commerce. They should be called something like the World Trade Center

   finally knows why leprechauns laugh when they run...? It's because the grass tickles their nuts...

   NO AMNESTY!!!. Real Americans don't want it!!

   First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!

   Kim & Kanye naming their daughter North West is like Alicia Keys naming her child Car... Car Keys.

   If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.

   I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. That crazy thing would never shut up. The parrot was kind of cool, though.

   Febreeze should make mouthwash

   Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you...

   I Cant imagine how boring taking a $hit would be without an iphone..

   ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95

   It's Cinco de Mayo! Or, as they call it in Arizona, "May fifth let me see your papers."

   My wife told me that she was seeing someone else because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail

   Some day Bristol Palin will tell her child "I made $15,000 a speech telling kids how to avoid making a mistake like you!"

   I just said hey to Sarah Jessica Parker and she got really excited. She must have thought I meant hay.

   HECK is where you go if you don't believe in GOSH