Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!

   Kim & Kanye naming their daughter North West is like Alicia Keys naming her child Car... Car Keys.

   If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.

   I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. That crazy thing would never shut up. The parrot was kind of cool, though.

   Febreeze should make mouthwash

   Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you...

   I Cant imagine how boring taking a $hit would be without an iphone..

   ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95

   It's Cinco de Mayo! Or, as they call it in Arizona, "May fifth let me see your papers."

   My wife told me that she was seeing someone else because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail

   Some day Bristol Palin will tell her child "I made $15,000 a speech telling kids how to avoid making a mistake like you!"

   I just said hey to Sarah Jessica Parker and she got really excited. She must have thought I meant hay.

   HECK is where you go if you don't believe in GOSH

   uhh... i'm no meteorologist but i'm pretty sure its raining b*tches..

   I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing, to let me know when I am wrong.

   Here at Kotex Tampons were not claiming to be number one, were certainly not number two,. But when it come"s to Tampons were right up in there...

   You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that's kind of the same thing.

   One of my greatest joys in life is when I've found an old friend on facebook......And they've gotten fat!! lol #iwentthere

   Dear CocaCola, McDonalds, and other massive companies, unless you have a new product for me, stop showing me commercials. I didn't forget about you. I have never stood at a vending machine and thought, what's that thing in the red can? I promise."

   To all those that like to take pics in their bathroom mirrors, clean up the bathroom first!