Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

   5 reasons why I'm not a pimp. I remember birthdays, I give rides to the airport, I lend money to people, I relax on sundays and I have a horrible backhand..

   They say getting over someone is directly proportional to how much they meant to you. That was the hardest 15 minutes of my life.

   I just bought 4 new pairs of underwear.. Which means I can wait 4 more days until I have to do laundry again.

   there are three little words I love to hear, that remind me how amazing the world is, and always makes me smile: WELCOME TO WALMART!!!

   I believe I've just serendipitously solved the world's energy crisis. They need to start using English Muffins as insulation. Those things retain heat for an eternity after they pop out of the toaster. (I didn't need these fingertips anyway.)

   I understand the concept of cooking and cleaning. I also understand the concept of space flight. Doesnt mean I'm going to the moon anytime soon.

   I didn't mean to get drunk, it just seems to happen when I drink.

   my headache is gone! She finally went home!!

   I think for just about everybody, at some point in your life, there's one teacher you had a secret crush on. For me, it's my wife's aerobic teacher.

   Feb 22 - National Margarita Day. Why is this not also a Federal Holiday?

   custom fitted, custom kitted, wood grain, custom errything, whats that on the seat? custom mustard stain.

   Just to be different, I cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentines Day with explosives.

   Some people don't realize they lost a good thing until they see the next person enjoying and appreciating it.Then suddenly they want it back.

   If you can't tell if a girl is fat or pregnant, don't say anything.

   I can honestly say LinkedIn is the sh!ttiest dating site I have ever signed up for. All anyone ever wants to talk about is work.

   A real woman avoids drama like a plague, for she knows her efforts and time are too precious and to be wasted on little minded people and their tantrums.

   I still say the gas stations should play some porn on their Pump TV's , might as watch something good while I am being screwed at the pump.

   Facebook should get a B*tch Slap button, because we all know sometimes pokes just aren't enough!

   When I was young, pop and lock described the way I liked to dance. Now, it describes what happens to my knees when I stand up.