Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking a fifth on the fourth

   Pepper spray and a restraining order just takes all of the romance out of the relationship.

   I've had a long day. The last thing I need is brown lettuce in my salad

   I'm going to take you to the cleaners... After that, the bank & grocery store. Then possibly Arby's? It's totally up to you

   If you love someone, let them go, if it's me, I'm never coming back.

   If I was looking to hire a psychic, the only question in my interview would be,,"How many times have you won the lottery?"

   Damn it. I wanted to be the next Batman......

   1999, people said "Britney Spears is a bad role model for young girls." 2013 the young girls are grown up. Their name is Miley Cyrus.

   Sex is like cooking. Your girlfriend will be angry at you because you ate your neighbour’s even though she hasn’t cooked for you in weeks.

   When you say lazy, you mean regular lazy or Wolverine lazy? THAT MAN HAS BLADES IN HIS FREAKING KNUCKLES AND STILL DOESN'T SHAVE REGULARLY!

   The only person who thinks I'm amazing just the way I am is Bruno Mars :(

   Rihanna likes her beer like she likes her violence, domestic!

   Today, I was thinking who got all that Gaddafi's cool sunglasses.

   Its just one of those days, there is a party in my pants and I wasnt even invited.

   Apparently drinking those Screwdrivers last night didn’t tighten any of the loose screws in my head

   First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today.

   My car is making an odd noise right now, but I treat my car problems like my emotional problems, ignore them until a breakdown.

   If you are a man and your girl is taller than you. I am going to assume you're a lesbian couple.

   The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.

   I'm bringing Tipsy back.