Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex is like cooking. Your girlfriend will be angry at you because you ate your neighbour’s even though she hasn’t cooked for you in weeks.

   When you say lazy, you mean regular lazy or Wolverine lazy? THAT MAN HAS BLADES IN HIS FREAKING KNUCKLES AND STILL DOESN'T SHAVE REGULARLY!

   The only person who thinks I'm amazing just the way I am is Bruno Mars :(

   Rihanna likes her beer like she likes her violence, domestic!

   Today, I was thinking who got all that Gaddafi's cool sunglasses.

   Its just one of those days, there is a party in my pants and I wasnt even invited.

   Apparently drinking those Screwdrivers last night didn’t tighten any of the loose screws in my head

   First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today.

   My car is making an odd noise right now, but I treat my car problems like my emotional problems, ignore them until a breakdown.

   If you are a man and your girl is taller than you. I am going to assume you're a lesbian couple.

   The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.

   I'm bringing Tipsy back.

   I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness

   it is such a big waste how Jodan's national carrier is called Royal Jordanian airline instead of Air Jordan

   one male, one female, one ex trying to mess it up and one friend secretly hoping it ends.

   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

   I don't understand why people reward others with "brownie points." I can't eat or buy anything with those. Just bake the f*cking brownies.

   Say what you want... Yes we all love Facebook.... And we can complain if we want... If it wasn't for us FB users that are complaining... It would just be another My(waste of)space... And FYI... The advertising pays the bills....

   Its my birthday today and I am feeling so special even the supermarket doors are opening by themselves when they see me coming through.

   So I guess Amish gangs are going around and cutting beards off of other Amish people. That's some hardcore gangsta sh*t right there