Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk... I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

   I DON'T want to brag,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, So I won't,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, See how that works?

   Oh man, it's not the weekend yet? I can't wait to stand around in some empty bar watching a crummy band and having weak drinks.

   I was walking down the street to work this morning and a guy was sitting on the sidewalk. He held out a cup of change and asked "spare change?". I said "sure, thanks man!" And took the cup. People are really nice in Tacoma.

   Wait, don't eat yet! Let me take a picture of it at an artsy angle, add Instagram effects, and upload it to Facebook!

   If you have to give me CPR and your breath stinks just let me die.

   I hate when I mistake my finger for a fry.

   I was born at a very early age.

   I just got my Kardashian Christmas card. It came with Herpes...

   Just yelled at the kids to go to bed, saying "Don't make me come in there!". Which is what I should've told myself during their conception.

   Does anyone know what an 'Ofah Queue' is? Because that's what my husband said he got me for Christmas this year.

   Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.

   All women have at least one pair of jeans in their closet that's trying to kill them.

   In order to raise awareness of Alzheimer's Disease, I will be randomly deleting people from my facebook.

   A friend got mugged coming out of K-Mart and is devastated. I feel the same way because I had no idea I knew people that shopped there.

   Your third grade spelling is what really made me laugh!

   She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

   O Lord, give me the superpowers to change the things I cannot accept with serenity. ....Amen.

   If there are more guys than girls in a Zumba class, then "Zumba" is just a code word.

   Remember the theme song from the Adams family?.. trust me, you will all day ;) dabba-da-bump *snap*snap