Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Lebron & Wade are gonna mock Dirk holding up the trophy?

   WAIT! Justine Bieber has a perfume out for woman called "Someday"? What? Someday he'll be one of them?

   everyone needs to stop freacking out every time facebook makes a change. its facebook. you'll be ok 

   Dear Santa, My wish 4 this year is a big, fat bank account & a slim body. Pls don't mix these 2 up like you did last year!!!!!

   ‎79% of accidents happen in the home.... Finally, good news for the homeless....

   just shot his eye out..

   will be Burger King and you'll be McDonald's . . . cause I'll have it my way and you'll be lovin' it!

   -- split up from the missus yesterday, I'm now very sad and upset. I had to go to work today with my clothes creased.....

   [Status removed by Facebook as too explicit to broadcast]

   a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

   I've got an Erection with a Direction .!.

   If you're homeless and living under a bridge you have an obligation to know at least one riddle.

   I've long accepted the fact my parents were Santa. But what I still don't get is how they manage to deliver all the presents around the world in a single night

   Hockey still exists? Yeah right... next you're gonna tell me MTV plays music videos.

   The size of a woman's earrings is directly proportionate to the amount of butt stuff she'll do.

   Nik Wallenda just walked across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope with no net. I made banana pudding whilst three sheets to the wind and didn't burn the kitchen down. Your move, Nik.

   i have a friend who's fat, alcoholic, and transvestite. all he does all day long is eat drink and be Mary

   Some DJ keeps calling my phone and leaving me mixed messages.

   Whoever said nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree

   Fat Chicks, if you're going to order a salad with ham, dressing, croutons, and bacon, just order a sandwich.