Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   -- split up from the missus yesterday, I'm now very sad and upset. I had to go to work today with my clothes creased.....

   [Status removed by Facebook as too explicit to broadcast]

   a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

   I've got an Erection with a Direction .!.

   If you're homeless and living under a bridge you have an obligation to know at least one riddle.

   I've long accepted the fact my parents were Santa. But what I still don't get is how they manage to deliver all the presents around the world in a single night

   Hockey still exists? Yeah right... next you're gonna tell me MTV plays music videos.

   The size of a woman's earrings is directly proportionate to the amount of butt stuff she'll do.

   Nik Wallenda just walked across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope with no net. I made banana pudding whilst three sheets to the wind and didn't burn the kitchen down. Your move, Nik.

   i have a friend who's fat, alcoholic, and transvestite. all he does all day long is eat drink and be Mary

   Some DJ keeps calling my phone and leaving me mixed messages.

   Whoever said nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree

   Fat Chicks, if you're going to order a salad with ham, dressing, croutons, and bacon, just order a sandwich.

   They should show the premiere of "Battleship" on Rihanna's forehead.

   My wife says she is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse,,, she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

   Ladies, if you are wearing an excessively short skirt this summer, please do everybody a favor and shave. And I am not talking about legs.

   U.S. television game show host Alex Trebek is recovering from a mild heart attack he suffered on Saturday, but not worry his life is not in Jeopardy.

   I'm 38 and I have no clue what AM or PM stands for. Nice job, public school system!

   Remember, Bibles are for reading and not waving.

   What if NASCAR is really just rednecks saying "nice car"