Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if the The Pillsbury Doughboy gets pissed if you poke him on Facebook?

   I wonder how many hot dogs Kobayashi sucked down in jail last night??

   The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat.

   - - Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day.

   Did you know that no two farts are exactly alike? It's true. Farts are sort of like snowflakes in that regard. Little, invisible, smelly, snowflakes.

   thinks that if alcohol isn't the answer, the wrong question was being asked!

   Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

   Dont steal, the government doesnt like competition

   Kathy Griffin hosting and Snookie riding in the ball?.. I won't be surprised if no one shows up at times square this year. u

   Somewhere there's an alien cleaning bird poo off his spaceship right now.

   just once I want my wife to greet me like the dog, jumping on me, licking me all over and wiggling her butt. But if she's only doing it so she can go out to pee. like the dog, I'd be devastated

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don't panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we're not that far from you.

   The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years and 11 months old.

   And the person you'd take a bullet for is the one pulling the trigger.

   I'll bet you the President gets his mail today.

   If you think the USA can shoot down nuclear missiles fired by North Korea just remember we couldn't even have lights at the Super Bowl.

   learn how to spell and type before you attempt to post a status message!

   A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left Walmart. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat

   $15 minimum wage, I don't think so. Maybe we should focus on lowering the cost of an education instead. That way it rewards those that are willing to work for a better life.

   gonna live forever... or die trying!