Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dentist just told me I have 6 months to live.

   I shave before I masturbate because I'm worth it.

   If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?

   the only 12's I give a s hit about come in 12 ounces and 12 packs...

   Taylor Swift and John Mayer probably broke up because her body was NOT a wonderland…

   You're 15... You should be feeling butterflies in your tummy, not a baby kicking.

   NASCAR Driver Education: "Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Repeat."

   Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.

   I wonder if the The Pillsbury Doughboy gets pissed if you poke him on Facebook?

   - - Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day.

   Did you know that no two farts are exactly alike? It's true. Farts are sort of like snowflakes in that regard. Little, invisible, smelly, snowflakes.

   thinks that if alcohol isn't the answer, the wrong question was being asked!

   I wonder how many hot dogs Kobayashi sucked down in jail last night??

   The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat.

   Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

   Dont steal, the government doesnt like competition

   Kathy Griffin hosting and Snookie riding in the ball?.. I won't be surprised if no one shows up at times square this year. u

   Somewhere there's an alien cleaning bird poo off his spaceship right now.

   just once I want my wife to greet me like the dog, jumping on me, licking me all over and wiggling her butt. But if she's only doing it so she can go out to pee. like the dog, I'd be devastated

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don't panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we're not that far from you.