Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feisty & Non compliant, can I get a behavior plan over here?

   Shouldn't those polar bears have diabetes by now???? #tooMuchCoke

   You must hate it when people make assumptions about you.

   The best thing about Valentine's day being over next week will be no more Vermont teddy bear commercials.

   I could have lived forever without knowing grandpa had a 'dong down to his knees' but thanks for the visual grandma.

   my phone battery dies faster than a slut in a horror movie

   My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.

   I haven't been laid in such a long time that my virginity is beginning to grow back.

   "Kill confirmed." ... "Grandma please, not at the funeral." -_-

   I guess if you spoke your mind you wouldn't have much to say....

   I'm fine" -All pissed off girls

   I'm having an identity crisis... I can't afford to be me... Can I be you? You're cheaper.

   In order to pull off wearing a bathrobe in public, you either have to accomplish something amazing or lose your will to live.

   Has A Bigger Possibility Getting Killed On My Way To Buy A Megamillion Ticket Than Winning It

   Check out my brilliant & insightful new article in REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY TODAY! On 2nd thought, don't. It's not for you.

   no matter how many years go by I still always end up getting banished to the kid table.

   Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. ~Jane Wagner

   Don't tell me I'm insulting your intelligence when it's obvious you have none

   Words of wisdom: Just be yourself, everyone else is taken.

   A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw"