Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I guess if you spoke your mind you wouldn't have much to say....

   I'm fine" -All pissed off girls

   I'm having an identity crisis... I can't afford to be me... Can I be you? You're cheaper.

   In order to pull off wearing a bathrobe in public, you either have to accomplish something amazing or lose your will to live.

   Has A Bigger Possibility Getting Killed On My Way To Buy A Megamillion Ticket Than Winning It

   Check out my brilliant & insightful new article in REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY TODAY! On 2nd thought, don't. It's not for you.

   A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw"

   How many times do I have to roll my eyes to burn any calories?

   stopping by the Wachovia bank yesterday to exchange money. The teller asked me to fix all the bills to face the same way and straight 'em out while chit-chatted with her co-worker. WTF was her job description say?

   If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

   Amy Winehouse is 27 today...her liver is lookin like 63

   I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I'll say next.

   "Don't Give a Crap Day" is tomorrow. But nobody gives a crap so there aren't any cards.

   if you want to fight with you wife/husband, replace Oxygen with Helium and try to keep a straight face...

   Semi-colons don't get enough credit. They should be re-branded as super-commas...

   If crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?

   Dear Patron, now that you helped me gain my confidence, can you please help me find my car?

   I fight evil wherever it may be....except in dark scary places.

   The car stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out.

   I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.