Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in, not realizing that they are standing in an airport..

   I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say " He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."

   Admit it, atleast once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position

   Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   I Dont Care If You're A Gangster, Pull Up Your Pants Please!

   says the sad part of being strong is that nobody bothers to ask when you're hurt.

   Better days are coming. They're called Saturday and Sunday.

   I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway

   There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.

   All I did was walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch and now my name is Trent, my shirt is off, and I'm really into shell necklaces.

   The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.

   Please don't say "Firecracker". It's very offensive. It is a Fire Caucasian. Thank you.

   They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

   I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I'll take a Dirty Hammock."

   when I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours... if I had a ROCK and a roll of CAPS...It was a Good Day!

   Helen Keller wrote 12 books and I just put my shirt on inside out.

   So you'll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year... Your move Weight Watchers...

   I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that's how us guys feel about push-up bras!!