Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

   Just walked into Walmart with a haircut I didn't do myself and they just made me their king.

   Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

   If you decide to walk a mile in my shoes, it will likely just be a mile of circles looking for the remote.

   Just gave myself an enema filled with warm water and glitter, and I ended up craping out a Ke$ha cd.

   The US government to China: "We'll pay you back, we promise. Just as soon as we're done dividing by zero."

   I'm beginning to think its better to be wrong and stupid than right and miserable.

   There are way too many people in this relationship.

   Like a good neighbor.... Drive by & wave. Do NOT stop to talk.

   Anything that involves official documents is a small portion of hell.

   Tonight I think I'll start with beer then switch to vodka to maintain a well balanced depression.

   Memory.....Second shortest thing I have.

   My eHarmony account just keeps matching me with different types of cookies.

   With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.

   My mom just asked me to get her lotion from her bathroom drawer. I don't know what I saw. I don't care what I saw. This is my suicide note.

   Someone in my state is wearing Axe Body Spray... ugh, I can smell it from here

   I doubt vodka’s the answer but it’s definitely worth a shot.

   In 200 years superstitious villagers will be sprinkling gluten over their doorways to keep soccer mums and hipsters at bay

   Me: I wish my life were more exciting Alcohol: Have another drink and call your ex

   With all the craziness going on in the world, I can just say; stay strapped, my friends.