Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you're just grateful they're not yours.

   I have dirty thoughts every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.

   2 yr. daughter runs by screaming,,,,, 50 ducks chasing her,,,,, "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD!!."

   With a infinite amount of information at their fingertips, why are there so many stupid people in the world?

   Chris Brown said he might retire from music. That sure is going to leave him with a lot of time on his fists.

   Of course I know my pants are unzipped lady...its a great way to meet people who check out my crotch.

   Splenda if it's a girl, Stevia if it's a boy.

   Nothing says "I'm way more confident than I should be" quite like men over 35 wearing Hollister tees and seashell necklaces.

   If MTV landed on the moon again, would people even care?

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was one of my toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   .... Hey Kiddy's ... Did you know that 47 Years ago the first men landed on the moon using less Tech than it takes you to catch a single Pokemon!!!

   DAMMIT ... Please stop texting me when I'm texting you ..... Now I have to change my text!!

   I hope Hillary can unite our country and bring dignity back to....oh, never mind.

   Remember, you can see something or you saw something. You can't seen something...

   Ladies, ladies, ladies. Seriously, some of your status updates makes me wonder. Maybe you just need to get laid. . .

   Fast Food was never intended to sustain a person indefinitely ..... Neither were Fast Food Jobs ....

   They shun Ryan Seacrest and give Kobe an Oscar. I guess the message is, don’t talk about it, just shut up and rape.

   > Unsubscribe from LinkedIn > Delete email account > Sell house, live in woods > Find bottle in river > Has note inside > It's from LinkedIn

   Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

   I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.