Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can’t control you're being an idiot, but I can control whether or not you’re on my friends list.

   when people say that drinking is not the answer, it makes me wonder if they truly understand the question.

   I just watched a grown man chase a rabbit for 5 minutes. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in this town that's not a window licker.

   The biggest mistake of my life is that I said yes, when I meant to say no.

   Question: if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie apocalypse problem?

   Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!..

   My wife said I was immature so I willed my comic book collection to my friend Steve instead.

   Friends who buy you food are friends for life.!!

   If it is irrational, dangerous and psychologically damaging, call me and let's go for it.

   Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you're just grateful they're not yours.

   I have dirty thoughts every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.

   2 yr. daughter runs by screaming,,,,, 50 ducks chasing her,,,,, "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD!!."

   With a infinite amount of information at their fingertips, why are there so many stupid people in the world?

   Chris Brown said he might retire from music. That sure is going to leave him with a lot of time on his fists.

   Of course I know my pants are unzipped lady...its a great way to meet people who check out my crotch.

   Splenda if it's a girl, Stevia if it's a boy.

   Nothing says "I'm way more confident than I should be" quite like men over 35 wearing Hollister tees and seashell necklaces.

   If MTV landed on the moon again, would people even care?

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was one of my toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   .... Hey Kiddy's ... Did you know that 47 Years ago the first men landed on the moon using less Tech than it takes you to catch a single Pokemon!!!