Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told some guy his fly was open. He asked me if I noticed a soldier standing at attention. I said. "No, I saw a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

   I like my sex like I like my belts... If it's not tight enough, I'll move it to another hole .

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

   Every time I break up with a Japanese girl I have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

   After I masturbate I make shadow puppets on the wall and say annoying things like "hold me" and "what are you thinking" to keep things realistic.

   the New Facebook Chat! You have friends Online.. But you have to guess who more then half of them are!"

   You think its hot where you're at...... you should feel it where I am - Osama Bin Laden

   A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

   Boys Laugh at what they put Girls through but they wont be laughing when they are wiping tears off their Daughters face for the same reason.

   ...just heard that Tampax is replacing the strings with tinsel this month. ...Ladies, get them soon, supplies only last for the Christmas period!"

   Has just been kidnapped by a fat man in a red suit and put in a bag, ALRIGHT! FESS UP! Who put me on there Christmas list?

   The more I see of the people against Trump,the more I'm convinced to vote for him .

   Am I the only one that thinks it's creepy for women to call their men "Daddy"?

   I ran out of deodorant this morning and tried my wife's Secret deodorant and I can tell you fella's it really is "strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman."

   Why do people feel comfortable texting you things they would never have the guts to say to your face?

   Anyone else think that facebook's picture for a woman who does not have a profile pic looks like Darth Vader...

   I hope Obama held the gun sideways when he shot Bin Laden.

   Angry Birds suicide hotline, which level are you stuck on?

   I'm changing my relationship status to 'It's complicated' ...I can never decide which hand to use

   Fellas: When you are making love to your woman and she starts reaching for things that aren't there, then you know you are doing it right.