Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...

   Kennedy put a man on the moon, Obama put a man in the ladies room.

   HEY,,,People of Canada: Why do you leave all of your coins here?

   Every time something like this BATMAN thing happens, the yanks try to take the guns off the people who were not doing the shooting. Just saying, the rest of the world!

   It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.

   wishes his lawn was emo, then maybe it would cut itself.

   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because those that can run,jump and swim are already in the U.S.

   I get offended when others talk while I'm interrupting.

   Remove the vowels from FEMALE.

   I told some guy his fly was open. He asked me if I noticed a soldier standing at attention. I said. "No, I saw a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

   I like my sex like I like my belts... If it's not tight enough, I'll move it to another hole .

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

   Every time I break up with a Japanese girl I have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

   After I masturbate I make shadow puppets on the wall and say annoying things like "hold me" and "what are you thinking" to keep things realistic.

   the New Facebook Chat! You have friends Online.. But you have to guess who more then half of them are!"

   You think its hot where you're at...... you should feel it where I am - Osama Bin Laden

   A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

   Boys Laugh at what they put Girls through but they wont be laughing when they are wiping tears off their Daughters face for the same reason.

   ...just heard that Tampax is replacing the strings with tinsel this month. ...Ladies, get them soon, supplies only last for the Christmas period!"

   Has just been kidnapped by a fat man in a red suit and put in a bag, ALRIGHT! FESS UP! Who put me on there Christmas list?