Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heard that Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and wants to go back to using her real name, "Danny Devitto".

   Sometimes I fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.

   Next person who says "it's not the heat, it's the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.

   My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow.

   I'm surprised by the violence in Syria. I really thought the World Peace sign at the end of Madonna's halftime show would work.

   I got a box of Animal Crackers the other day, and the box said, WARNING "Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken". I open the box, and sure enough...

   Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward

   I guess Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now, and apparently it's getting serious. Friends say Kanye is the guy Kim wants to spend the rest of her month with

   Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that's what's been missing.

   People think i'm shy because I don't talk or participate much in conversations. The truth is I don't really give a f*ck what they're talking about.

   Due to the failing economy, trick or treaters will be ID this year. I will be giving out candy to the ages of 6 to 9 years of age. Parents with infants, we know the child can't eat candy due to the lack of teeth. Get your own damn candy thanks.

   Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.

   It's time to be concerned about unemployment when attractive people start losing their jobs.

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not; they're looking at their phone.

   Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

   I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures

   Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.

   Winning the game using deflated balls? Is this the NFL or the Tour De France?

   Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em

   i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me