Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so in debt, I could start a government!

   They say drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette takes 6 minutes off your life. By my calculations I died in 1985...... Cheers!!

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states," the other state is always Kentucky.

   Am happy no one has noticed today is 20/12 2012

   "When I was a kid, we didn't even HAVE the internet!" is the new "I had to walk to school uphill, BOTH WAYS!"

   COOL TIP: If a homeless person is ever asking you for money, cut them off and say "hey do you got a dollar". (This usually throws them off)

   You think you know someone, but what you really know is only what they choose to show you.

   You know you drank too much last night when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator.

   When I really want a chick to know I'm ballin', I get her something from the vending machine and ignore the change

   Wal-mart... "do they, like, make walls there?" -Paris Hilton

   When someone says “let's go get a cold one,” I always drive to the zoo because I know that's code for “steal a penguin.”

   When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face, and now I believe her...

   Fungry: The state of being f**king hungry

   People should STOP complaining about Facebook's privacy settings. If you want some PRIVACY, you should go back to Myspace.

   "a day without immigrants" "a day without women" "a day without blacks" If you realy want to impress us try "A day without foodstamps"

   What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spit, swallow, and gargle.

   accidentally swallowed some food colouring yesterday. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

   With all the ugly hats and horse teeth, I thought it was the Kentucky Derby...

   All women want is sex. All guys want is to cuddle and have a good conversation.

   Education should be free for all people willing to learn!