Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sign outside the Burger King that says Now Hiring Closers is obviously spelled with a silent C.

   attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete... ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of sh!tting on you.

   At what point does CPR become necrophilia?

   Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

   My cat will only eat the most expensive cat food out there.....and also lick his own butt hole.

   It really shouldn't be that hard to convict Bill Cosby. Everyone knows that the proof is in the pudding!

   Reading new book: Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury

   I hear Black Sabbath and Blue Oyster Cult are planning a reunion. They're going to call it the White and Gold Tour.

   I'm so in debt, I could start a government!

   They say drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette takes 6 minutes off your life. By my calculations I died in 1985...... Cheers!!

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states," the other state is always Kentucky.

   Am happy no one has noticed today is 20/12 2012

   "When I was a kid, we didn't even HAVE the internet!" is the new "I had to walk to school uphill, BOTH WAYS!"

   COOL TIP: If a homeless person is ever asking you for money, cut them off and say "hey do you got a dollar". (This usually throws them off)

   You think you know someone, but what you really know is only what they choose to show you.

   You know you drank too much last night when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator.

   When I really want a chick to know I'm ballin', I get her something from the vending machine and ignore the change

   Wal-mart... "do they, like, make walls there?" -Paris Hilton

   When someone says “let's go get a cold one,” I always drive to the zoo because I know that's code for “steal a penguin.”