Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The thing I hate most about make-up sex is getting the nail polish and lipstick off my ball$.

   "I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies

   I never tip restroom attendants because they already got to listen to me poop, and you can't really put a price on that.

   The best part about this status update is that by the time you've finished reading it you realize that there is absolutely no point to it

   sick and is therefore listening to The Cure.

   maybe Tiger Woods' relationship status should say "it's really complicated"

   I was driving yesterday and I saw one of those Pokemon things and ran over it. Or maybe it was a BLM protester. Not sure.

   Father: "I'm the BOSS. I make the rules and run this house, understand?" Daughter: "Why are you whispering daddy?" Father: "I don't want your mother to hear me."

   Loving my new underwear...at least somethings gripping my ass

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least 4 hours but a food shortage after..LOL

   2 men went inside a bar.I was one of them.I dont remember anything else.

   We met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson.

   lost his teddy bear... Will you sleep with me?

   Instead of telling everybody what color is your damn bra, put 2 bucks in the freaking can at the shopping center if you really want to help people with breast cancer, for Christ's sake!! Stop talking on facebook and give money!

   If I had to pick which Kevin Bacon movie I like the most, It would be a tie,.... between all of them

   The celebration of single moms on "Fathers Day" kills me! Single moms do some amazing things but keeping a man apparently isn't one of them. 

   Am I the only one who gets creeped out at all the solar lights flashing in cemetaries these days?...To me it looks like thousands of corpses are holding up their cigarette lighters waiting for the last song at a Grateful Dead concert to be played.

   You don't owe anyone an explanation for who you are.

   I hate when people write thing like "b4" instead of "before." It's English, not Bingo.

   And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the world round .........