Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best laid plans are not the best lay. Unplanned lays are best.

   No thanks "Love Quotes" account. I get all my love quotes from P0rnHub.

   it required for you to have your own TV show if you live in Alaska?

   I wonder if they make a Gas-X for brain farts.

   She has a permanent marker addiction. It's written all over her face.

   I only kissed you for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

   I just deleted a text message without reading it so your voicemail doesn't have a prayer.

   Her body is a wonderland but you have to bribe the manager with booze for admission

   I can make your day better just by not being part of it

   I wonder what it’s like to sleep with a woman who has standards.

   The people who whine about cell phones don't remember how much pointless staring at people there was in the 1990s.

   I call it a date, you call it the reason we're meeting in court.

   I don't want to be friends with someone any longer. Do I lend them money, or tell them how I really feel about their spouse?

   Men: I don't always scream like a little girl. But when I do, it's because my wife just put her cold, undead feet on my body.

   Some people are so full of $h!t they should have flush handles instead of ears.

   The two best days of my life was when I got engaged and the day we broke it off. . .

   If I'm a sarcastic a$$hole when I talk to you it's either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and don't care if you know it. Good luck figuring out which one....

   Babies: Their plan is to start crying at 3 am for no reason.

   My parents didn't ever actually teach me how to be an adult. The only things I learned were to hoard plastic bags within plastic bags and that whenever there is a person in your house you feed them.

   I'm not a morning person, heck I'm not an afternoon person either, I pretty much start fuctioning at about 6 pm.