Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The people who whine about cell phones don't remember how much pointless staring at people there was in the 1990s.

   I call it a date, you call it the reason we're meeting in court.

   I don't want to be friends with someone any longer. Do I lend them money, or tell them how I really feel about their spouse?

   Men: I don't always scream like a little girl. But when I do, it's because my wife just put her cold, undead feet on my body.

   Some people are so full of $h!t they should have flush handles instead of ears.

   The two best days of my life was when I got engaged and the day we broke it off. . .

   If I'm a sarcastic a$$hole when I talk to you it's either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and don't care if you know it. Good luck figuring out which one....

   Babies: Their plan is to start crying at 3 am for no reason.

   My parents didn't ever actually teach me how to be an adult. The only things I learned were to hoard plastic bags within plastic bags and that whenever there is a person in your house you feed them.

   I'm not a morning person, heck I'm not an afternoon person either, I pretty much start fuctioning at about 6 pm.

   Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm "NO."

   You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When Juan Valdez named his donkey after you

   Romance tip: When you are lying in bed with your wife and she asks "What you would like to do with my body more than anything else?", "Identify it." is probably not a good answer.

   Instagram should have an "I can't like this photo because I'm in a relationship but rest assured I like it" button.

   My patience is wearing thin. And by "wearing thin" I mean you are one smart-ass comment away from being slapped so hard, Google won't be able to find you....

   My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues, perhaps it's time to install that security alarm.

   Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.

   Remember when we were kids and we couldn't wait to grow up, move out of the house, and get a job? ...... LORD,, we were dumb.

   My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird?!?!

   I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.