Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to 'let me go or I will call the police'.

   This driving test is going terribly.

   My niece and nephew are my choice of birth control. 100% effective.

   HAPPY HANGOVER DAY

   Every time a man makes a poor decision a woman will be there to remind him about it.

   I'd never miss my imaginary girlfriend's funeral. Just saying....

   The way I see it, is if there were no men in the world, the planet would be filled with nothing but happy fat women. And a shortage of batteries.

   I've never seen animals party. Though squirrels that fly are pretty goddamn close.

   Since when did these all reality shows start using hearing impaired captions for all their daily drama?? Oh wait, my bad. I logged onto Facebook.

   There are certain things in life that are a waste of time and energy. That's why I don't hold in my farts

   Playing with your phone in public is the new I don't know what to do with myself.

   It's not a problem getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar unless it's while you're drunk and naked in your neighbors kitchen.

   If you come to my front door with a clip board I will just ask you if your clip board is an ipad until you leave.

   I need to find out what my company needs to do in order to get protests by topless women.

   The fact that women don't sell ad space (transparent stickers) on their cleavage is baffling to me.

   I'm trying desperately not to hate your existence but you keep talking nonsense.

   Coffee isn't a matter of life or death; it's a lot more important than that.

   Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like an ongoing series of slaps in the face with a sweaty sock.

   if I could describe myself with just one word, it would be "bad with directions..."

   Never go arm wrestling with a man who has been single for over a year.