Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i realized I really dont have to watch games, movie award shows, music award shows or anything else to that effect anymore... all I have to do is come on facebook and I have a detailed play by play of every minute of it right on my news feed!!!!

   our life should be like a COMPUTER so we can maintain it by keeping only useful files n delete or format the corrupted files

   The doctor handed me a referral note to see a specialist. I looked at it and said, "And I'd like you to see Mrs. Anderson, my 3rd grade teacher... she did wonders for my handwriting!"

   Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color and we have no idea what mauve is.

   Judge told me I had to go to the DMV to get a "blow and go" I was so excited I ran to the hottest girl at the DMV. Now waiting for a bail bondsman because apparently our definitions of a blow and go are waaaay different

   They say milk gives you strength so I drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall, I tried 13 shots of vodka and saw the wall move by itself!

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack pepper spray and a tazer.. :)

   This vodka smells like someone fat and ugly is gonna be getting laid.. *I hope its me*

   The Police will come right away when you tell them your baby is locked in the car. They don't however think it's cute to call your phone baby.

   That "Free Smells" sign they hang in the window at Jimmy John's sandwich shops? Yeah, it's a lie. They totally asked me to leave.

   You can not argue with a drunk woman, and you can not argue with a sober woman....Figure that one out guys.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to 'let me go or I will call the police'.

   This driving test is going terribly.

   My niece and nephew are my choice of birth control. 100% effective.

   HAPPY HANGOVER DAY

   Every time a man makes a poor decision a woman will be there to remind him about it.

   I'd never miss my imaginary girlfriend's funeral. Just saying....

   The way I see it, is if there were no men in the world, the planet would be filled with nothing but happy fat women. And a shortage of batteries.

   I've never seen animals party. Though squirrels that fly are pretty goddamn close.

   Since when did these all reality shows start using hearing impaired captions for all their daily drama?? Oh wait, my bad. I logged onto Facebook.