Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wishing he had bought his ex the Toyota Prius she was always wanting!

   So put that in your juice box and suck it!

   wishes her alarm clock had a rewind button

   Sometimes I wish I could be like Jeff Probst from Survivor. I'd love to walk into a Shift Briefing at work and say,"The Tribe Has Spoken"!!! Then walk over and extinguish their torch and tell them to pack their belongings and get the @#$% out!!!

   I finally organized my clutter desktop. now I have everything in one tidy folder-labled "Desktop".

   In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead....

   The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

   There must be something about being a teenager that makes it seem really important to have a whole bunch of sh*t hanging from your rearview mirror.

   Doesn't understand the relationship status "It's complicated". Do you introduce them as friend, stranger or complicated?

   You can't please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.

   Muggers accept all major credit cards.

   I wonder if those friends in low places have heard from Garth Brooks recently.

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

   Great taco from Taco bell today......with the spoon of meat and all the lettuce I was not sure if it was for eating or smoking!

   If I could take it all back right now, I wouldn't..i would have done more sh@t that people said that I shouldn't..

   Always use tasteful words because you may have to eat them.

   Snookie's gonna drop in the ball on New Years? Really? That's a family thing not a stripper pole!!!

   's dog was staring at him.....So I stared back....he laughed.....I'm scared

   I find Reality tv very educating... Every time somebody turns on a show, I go into the other room and read a book...

   Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.