Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..if i.....if I remember new years eve, then there is something seriously wrong.

   Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend

   wishing he had bought his ex the Toyota Prius she was always wanting!

   So put that in your juice box and suck it!

   wishes her alarm clock had a rewind button

   Sometimes I wish I could be like Jeff Probst from Survivor. I'd love to walk into a Shift Briefing at work and say,"The Tribe Has Spoken"!!! Then walk over and extinguish their torch and tell them to pack their belongings and get the @#$% out!!!

   I finally organized my clutter desktop. now I have everything in one tidy folder-labled "Desktop".

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

   Great taco from Taco bell today......with the spoon of meat and all the lettuce I was not sure if it was for eating or smoking!

   If I could take it all back right now, I wouldn't..i would have done more sh@t that people said that I shouldn't..

   Always use tasteful words because you may have to eat them.

   Snookie's gonna drop in the ball on New Years? Really? That's a family thing not a stripper pole!!!

   Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color and we have no idea what mauve is.

   Judge told me I had to go to the DMV to get a "blow and go" I was so excited I ran to the hottest girl at the DMV. Now waiting for a bail bondsman because apparently our definitions of a blow and go are waaaay different

   They say milk gives you strength so I drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall, I tried 13 shots of vodka and saw the wall move by itself!

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack pepper spray and a tazer.. :)

   This vodka smells like someone fat and ugly is gonna be getting laid.. *I hope its me*

   The Police will come right away when you tell them your baby is locked in the car. They don't however think it's cute to call your phone baby.

   That "Free Smells" sign they hang in the window at Jimmy John's sandwich shops? Yeah, it's a lie. They totally asked me to leave.

   You can not argue with a drunk woman, and you can not argue with a sober woman....Figure that one out guys.