Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I was a doctor, I'd be so paranoid about catching all the diseases I know about.

   If “Oscar De La Toya Jackson” isn't the best drag queen name ever, then I don't know what I'm doing in these heels and boxing gloves anymore.

   An optimist is a person that falls off the empire state building and after 50 floor says so far so good!

   I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

   our life should be like a COMPUTER so we can maintain it by keeping only useful files n delete or format the corrupted files

   The doctor handed me a referral note to see a specialist. I looked at it and said, "And I'd like you to see Mrs. Anderson, my 3rd grade teacher... she did wonders for my handwriting!"

   Neighbors have a leash on their tree, but they let the dog run free. Poor tree

   best way to start a day is with a happy ending!!

   No one is as ugly as his driver's license, nor as good-looking as his Facebook profile pic.

   In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead....

   The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

   There must be something about being a teenager that makes it seem really important to have a whole bunch of sh*t hanging from your rearview mirror.

   Doesn't understand the relationship status "It's complicated". Do you introduce them as friend, stranger or complicated?

   You can't please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.

   Muggers accept all major credit cards.

   I wonder if those friends in low places have heard from Garth Brooks recently.

   i realized I really dont have to watch games, movie award shows, music award shows or anything else to that effect anymore... all I have to do is come on facebook and I have a detailed play by play of every minute of it right on my news feed!!!!

   's dog was staring at him.....So I stared back....he laughed.....I'm scared

   Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

   there are two types of people in this world, pizza roll people and bagel bites people