Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be careful what you wish for... I may not fit in that bottle but I have great aim......

   False hope is the only thing that gets me through the day

   Just on Facebook to see what's going on, so I won't be surprised by CNN's Breaking News.

   Troubles keep me interested in my life :)

   I hope all of Osama's 72 virgins look and sound like Justin Bieber!!

   thinking between the death of Osama bin Laden and the marriage of Kate Middleton and Prince William it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business!!!!

   I judge women by how comfortable their shoes are.

   You really don't know a person until you realize they don't know how to spelle

   I personally think that Hank Jr is just laying the groundwork for a stint on Dancing With the Stars........

   I think it's kinda creepy that Facebook tells everyone where you are on every post.

   If I was a doctor, I'd be so paranoid about catching all the diseases I know about.

   If “Oscar De La Toya Jackson” isn't the best drag queen name ever, then I don't know what I'm doing in these heels and boxing gloves anymore.

   An optimist is a person that falls off the empire state building and after 50 floor says so far so good!

   I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

   Neighbors have a leash on their tree, but they let the dog run free. Poor tree

   best way to start a day is with a happy ending!!

   No one is as ugly as his driver's license, nor as good-looking as his Facebook profile pic.

   ..if i.....if I remember new years eve, then there is something seriously wrong.

   Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend

   wishing he had bought his ex the Toyota Prius she was always wanting!