Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait to see all the $hit people start throwing at drummers now!

   My friend asked my advice on how to impress his date. I suggested that I go in his place.

   Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).

   Women won't date a guy that still lives with his Mom, but will date a guy thats still lives with his wife = But that's none of my business.

   If a girl pulls out a knife on you during a fight, pull out some bread & mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in & she'll make you a sandwich

   Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I'm spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.

   Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you...

   Anyone know how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor never specified and frankly I'm exhausted!

   Why do porn sites have a "Share to Facebook" button?!?!

   just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

   Joyous Festivus to the rest of us. May your feats of strength be superior and your grievances be few.

   I don't mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.

   The number of STDs she can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

   I always keep a piece of paper with me incase someone tries to attack me with a rock.

   I'm never drinking again, again.

   That's some really cute pink camoflauge. Do you hunt in the Lolipop Woods or the Peppermint Forest?

   You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.

   Coronavirus won't last long, it was made in China.

   Bars are opening but patrons are wearing masks. It is the era for ugly people with nice bodies to get laid.

   "Float like a butterfly sting like a bee" -Melania Trump