Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy. 
I don't even pick up the soap after I drop it in my own shower. There's just something about me I don't trust.
My analysis reveals that, via his crafty use of the double negative,,, Ray Parker Jr was, in fact,, afraid of *some* ghosts.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Sorry boss, can't come in today. National Donut Day is sacred to my people.
Love is blind. It's also drunk, has a wooden leg, Tourette's, a crippling fear of heights & if you poke it with a stick it plays dead.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Words I'm incorporating into my vernacular: Vernacular, Incorporating
All I want is to see you smile. That and maybe a pizza.
I got the moves like Jagger, and the medical bills to prove it.
Remember the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
I can't wait to see all the $hit people start throwing at drummers now!
My friend asked my advice on how to impress his date. I suggested that I go in his place.
Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).
Women won't date a guy that still lives with his Mom, but will date a guy thats still lives with his wife = But that's none of my business.
If a girl pulls out a knife on you during a fight, pull out some bread & mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in & she'll make you a sandwich
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I'm spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you...
Anyone know how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor never specified and frankly I'm exhausted!
Why do porn sites have a "Share to Facebook" button?!?! 