Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm really on the fence with this election coming up. I wish people would post more on Facebook to help me make this difficult decision easier said no one ever.

   After he stops crying, can I try again, I promise I can juggle babies.

   Hey Justin Beaver!!! Vanilla Ice called.......he wants his hair back

   Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to you?

   Hey Holidays,,,, either start later or get more songs.

   DNS FAILURE: Facebook is down which means 9 months from today, many children will be born.

   Don't wait untill friday, start your weekend at monday !!

   The worst things in life are also free.

   true friends stab you in the front.

   thinks one trip to Wal Mart may cause an intelligent person to start questioning the theory of evolution.

   my new excuse for leaving the bar early on a Saturday NIght: "I gotta Preach tomorrow."

   I would spend more time outside, but it's not as hi-def as my TV.

   Turning the music up does NOT cover up a fart... No matter what song is on!

   Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties. Abraham Lincoln

   Christmas is the time of year when we want our pasts forgotten and our presents remembered!

   It's been reported that an 8 year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's Airport Watch List because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So it's been a pretty bad week for little Skippy bin Laden.

   If you notice this notice,you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing

   a police officer states"I'm never gonna say "come here" to a convicted porn-star again"

   My second favourite household chore is laundry. My first favourite is being hit in the head repeatedly by the ceiling fan blades until I faint.

   Even after creeping through all of your profile pictures, I still have no idea who you are or what you look like since there are 20 people in each of your photos.