Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just made my CVS receipt from purchasing a single pack of gum into an entire "Roll of Toilet Paper"

   I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.

   Why aren't there more rap songs about being well mannered and generously tipping your waiter?

   Perhaps it's about time to ask Bernie Sanders what American life was really like back in 1776.

   If Hillary gets elected, Bill will be the ugliest first lady ever.

   My granddaughter gets up at night and goes to the bathroom all by herself and everyone is so proud. I do that four times a night and nobody says squat.

   "Well, now I see how you cam up with the word 'Microsoft'." -Melinda Gates, on their wedding night.

   Interviewer: Do you have a police record. Me: No, but I do have a couple of their CD's. *gets hired on the spot*

   Susan,, Don't give those gdamn ducks our bread,, they're just going to use it to buy drugs...

   my Wife is busy oiling up all the wood in the house. I like where this is going.

   If she eats pizza with a fork, she isn't going to like being bent over the dining room table.

   I have to start remembering my passwords, I have renamed the dog so many times he just looks at me with disgust now.

   The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hangout. It just says I can't get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?

   Everybody is complaining about the weather. I'm complaining about a cold toilet seat.

   We are going to practice this chest bump celebration until we get it right, Grandma... Quit screwing around at the bottom of the staircase.

   I see where the TSA is removing all the X-Ray scanners from airports. And jsut as soon as they remove the TSA, I'll start flying again!

   Shout out to trees. You shady motherf uckers.

   ME … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ? My Wife... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

   If you peel back the foil on pudding and don’t lick the pudding on the foil before indulging in the pudding then I’m sorry to say you’re not cool.

   Bartender! There’s ice in my vodka. What is this, kindergarten?