Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."

   Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)

   I hate being bi-polar. It's awesome.

   I've currently got the higest eBay bid on Detroit.

   I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”

   North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friend list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention...

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.

   Teacher: where is your homework? Student: I uploaded it on Facebook and I tagged you in it.

   She said "I think we should see other people." What I heard was "I already have a guy who's been on reserve for months."

   If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

   didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.

   Crack,meth,heroine. All these drugs should be manufactured by pharmacutical companies. That way,no one could afford them.

   People don't call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.

   Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

   Yes there's plenty of fish in the sea, but don't forget about the sharks, seaweed, oil spills, toxic waste and the Somali pirates.

   Why is it I cant get a mobile reception in my house in town, yet a terrorist can upload his vids from a cave in Afganistan? Is there a terrorist mobile tariff I can go on??

   Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving...

   The Cowboys just signed a "No Super Bowl for six more years" contract today

   I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.

   I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.